


James T. Kirk's Progression to Normalcy: Curtesy of one Helen Blake

by Thirteen_Winter_Vixens



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Break Up, Broken Bond, Co-Dependency, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Cheating, Past Child Abuse, Spock and Jim need each other, Swearing, Talking through shit might actually help, Therapy, getting better and stronger mentally, rape mentioned, suicide attempt accidental-kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-09 22:36:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 40,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13491222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thirteen_Winter_Vixens/pseuds/Thirteen_Winter_Vixens
Summary: A broken bond led Captain James T. Kirk to almost bleed out in his shower from self inflicted wounds. The admiralty gave him two options; to go on a little 'vacation' and get some help off ship and away from the public eye or to see galaxy renown therapist Helen Blake who just so happens to be on his very ship.Therapy never works but fuck if Jim was bowing out.Now was going to come the hard part.





	1. Facing one's Demons

“Why don’t you tell me what brought you here?”

Jim glared at Helen.

 _Jesus,_ he thought, _Bones couldn’t be more sadistic._

“You know why I’m here. The whole ship and half the Admiralty knows why I’m here.”

Helen merely smiled professionally back at him, crossed her legs and said, “I want to know why you think you are here. I know what the rumours have said and I know how you’ve been acting on the ship but in the past three years that I’ve served on the Enterprise and after countless requests for you or Commander Spock to see me after an extreme mission-after Yorktown even, neither of you have ever sought counselling. So, why don’t you tell me in your own words.”

Jim swallowed.

He hated therapists.

Hated was an understatement.

Helen Blake was the best of the best in the field. One of the older chiefs on his ship (which was saying something since the majority were far too young if compared to every other Starship in the Federation) she was nice and never once overstepped. She was the first therapist that never once stuck her nose in even when she was curious.

Jim liked her.

He just liked to avoid her more.

She reminded him of when he had been small and weak and dying.

All therapists did.

“I’m here because I fucked my life up.”

“How do you think you did that?”

Jim tensed even more than what he already was. He leaned farther back into the seat and glared more.

He couldn’t say it.

It went against everything he strived to be.

Everything he swore he’d be.

It clawed at his chest, it dug into his soul and tore away every good thing he managed to do, everything he had slowly and cautiously became proud of.

He couldn’t give it a voice. Couldn’t make it even more real.

He was living it, seeing it in every waking moment, dreaming of it.

Fuck, Helen knew what happened.

He shouldn’t have to say it. Jim crossed his arms and remained silent.

Helen just stared back at him.

Jim was a pro at seeing through people. As much as he pretended to be the clown, the happy-go-lucky captain that everyone-until now-had seen he could look at someone, eye them up and see most of their faults. It was something that he had instinctively had and equally taught himself for necessity. He knew Helen was a good person. She was patient though and as with all therapists, she was fucking annoying as hell. She had that same instinct, to see someone and truly see them.

Another point against her and all therapists out there.

After twenty minutes, Jim sighed and gave in, “Isn’t there something you should say next?”

Helen just shrugged and closed her PADD. “I’ve read your file as you know. At least the tiny bit that isn’t classified, omitted or deleted. And I think that the first thing we need to do is establish the truth. You value honesty and loyalty and I’m going to be blunt with you throughout these meetings. You have traumas going back to a very young age. You’ve never sought treatment for those and I do believe they have affected your adult life. When and if you’re ever ready to talk about that we can. But first I want you to be honest with me. No bullshit, no lying and no bending of the truth to suit either one of us. I need to hear why you’re here.”

“Why?”

“Because only when you acknowledge it will you be able to talk about it and only then can you sort through it all, which I’m here to help you with. After all that, maybe you move past it.”

Jim clenched his jaw and looked away from her.

He tried to say it and the words screamed inside him.

Bellowed so loudly it was all he heard. They were etched into his eyes, deafening to his ears.

He bled those words.

Breathed them.

No bullshit.

No lying.

No bending.

They stayed silent for the next forty-five minutes until Helen said neutrally, “Time’s up. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jim immediately ran out of the room. He hurried along the empty halls and breathed a sigh of relief as he entered the lift.

He didn’t know how he was going to do this. He pressed his forehead against the wall and repeated over and over; survive, survive, survive.

The only problem was that he was running out of reasons to fight.

And he was so god-dammed tired of fighting to survive.

He sought refuge in a guest room on the ship. He hadn’t been back to his own since it happened. He couldn’t go in. Every time he tried, his mind kept repeating what happened. He was scared that going in was going to somehow kill him, smother him until he couldn't see past it, feel past it, couldn't make himself survive.

He was scared of seeing Spock outside of the bridge.

Scared of seeing anyone.\

And every day, every night, every second he felt empty, off kilter, he felt as if he should just lay down.

Lay down and never get up.

 

 

“AHH!”

Jim gasped awake confused, alert and stinging.

“Serves you right, having me running around all over this damned ship.” Bones was glaring at him, a hypo in his hand that he was changing.

“Honestly, you need to go back to your own cabin.”

Jim slowly removed his hand from his neck as Bones descended with another shot. It had woken him up and like every morning he felt just a bit better. It would wear off but for the next ten minutes he’d be happy. Or as happy as one could get artificially.

“I…I just need a bit more sleep.”

Bones frowned, concern in his eyes as he sighed back at him, “I know. Do you want me to call in for you?”

Jim slowly sat up and tried to wake himself up. Half the time, he couldn’t sleep but when he did he never seemed rested.

“No. No. I had two weeks off and the Admiralty are starting to considering letting me go. I need to go in.”

“They wouldn’t do that and you know it. You’re too famous.”

Jim snorted. The sad thing was it was true. He might be a shit captain right now but he was too famous to fire. There’d be too many questions on his health and then where would the Admirals be? Employing an ex-MACO solider with Post-Traumatic-Syndrome and with known mental issues for the past month.

“Alright, hypo me one more time and I’ll be off.”

“No, you’ll be off once you’ve had breakfast.” Bones made him eat. Jim managed to get away with just a portion controlled meal, though Bones would have liked to see him eat a larger (old-Jim) meal. He didn’t mention Jim’s new vegetarian lifestyle.

He managed a bright smile walking onto the bridge.

He nodded over at Sulu who nodded back at him, gave Pasha a wink and the younger man grinned back at him. He glanced over at Nina on tactical and she smiled back.

Uhura didn’t turn and Jim didn’t look over at Spock to see if he noticed him.

Just like the last two months, Jim listened to Sulu and Chekov quietly talk to themselves. No one joked or really bantered. Sulu had to have been dying to crack some kind of joke and Chekov sometimes looked like he had this amazing, brilliant thought but look around, dimmed and kept it to himself.

It hurt Jim to see what had been so perfect gradually diminished to this. This was professional and normal and probably what it was like throughout Star Fleet. Conversations kept to work or projects, no one invited anyone out, no one played truth or dare (dares to be done after shift), no games or gossip. It was very Star Fleet and not so much Jim’s Star Fleet.

In the middle of the shift everyone tensed as Spock came up to him to hand him a PADD.

“Captain, I am conducting an experiment in the Science Labs and I require your authorization to use Gyu Mevit-troitsm while teaching Cadet Williams.”

_Guy-u what?_

Jim winced at this formal request.

Such things had once been overlooked entirely. Spock ruled over the Science Labs as if it were his own personal empire (one of the ensign's even put a sign up saying Spock's Kingdom and it was still there now despite Spock's protests) and Jim had whole-heartedly let him, only ever dropping by to tease him or generally curious when Spock mentioned something he was working on.

On the PADD was the information on the experiment but Jim just stared at it unseeingly feeling Spock's heavy gaze on him. He took a professional amount of time to look like he was seeing it.

God, to think it had only been two months.

Quickly, he signed it without looking at Spock.

The only thing that he saw was the pale, graceful, long fingered, hand when his First took it back and then it was quiet once more.

One good thing at not talking to anyone was that he managed to get so much paper work done.

Seriously. Fuck he was actually looking forward to it most days. 

Since he couldn’t go to Spock with any of it and Spock himself had stopped organizing it all for him he was constantly working on the ship.

He hadn’t gone down to Engineering for simple fun in forever. He hadn’t touched his half-finished experiment in his room since he never went back there. He didn’t even plan on finishing his paper for publishing.

His only concerns were the ship and his crew.

Were they happy?

Was the ship in top condition?

Did anyone need anything approved and or looked over? Send it on down. And then send a copy or two. 

What could he do to improve their experience for the next two years?

God.

Two years.

Could he do this for two more years?

Fuck.

 

 

 

Helen was waiting patiently for him.

They sat in silence.

And she was waiting again on Wednesday.

Thursday.

Friday.

And everyday for the next month.

They passed each meeting doing paper work. The silence pressing in on him each time.

Then a great mission came by.

It was October back on Terra. But this planet was all summer all the time with only slight cool periods that really (for them) didn’t qualify as anything close to autumn. There were beaches upon beaches and a light green sea.

Star Fleet wanted more research on their new planets. And that deflated all of his excitement.

Research. 

He needed Spock on this one.

Since their last planet had been a meeting with a civilization that had turned out friendly and nice, Jim had gone down with Bones. This time he needed Spock to go down. And he couldn’t even look at Spock never mind go on a mission with him.

He got all of his Chiefs together and told them what they needed to retrieve. The planet was uninhabited to their sensors so he appointed two security members to go with Spock and that he could take another science protégé with him.

“Captain, you will not be beaming down?” It was the first-time Jim heard slight emotion in his voice in months. It startled him and he glanced over at Spock.

He was sitting straight backed and regal. Spock was looking curiously back at him. No hatred. No harshness or condemnation.

Just wondering why Jim wouldn’t be joining him as if it were still normal-routine-Jim-and-Spock-like-always-missions. He shook his head and made himself look away.

“No Spock. Regulations. Besides, we just need a few samples so I’m going to take a much-needed break.” He saw Spock’s brow go up. Not in surprise but in confusion.

Jim never once considered not going down to a planet a break.

And he fucked so many regulations he was pretty sure the cadets at the academy had made his name a warning regulation itself.

Bones glared at him and everyone else looked away.

 

 

When Spock and his team beamed out, Jim was sitting opposite Helen.

She, very unprofessionally if you asked Jim, was laying down and playing a game on her PADD. Last time she was doing yoga. The time before that she was ordering bedding and asking him which colour would suit her cabin.

Why did the Enterprise get the crazy ones?

His leg was doing that bouncing thing again and he tried to stop it, Jim said, “So, is this how the next two years are going to play out?”

Helen glanced over at him and shrugged unconcerned, “I don’t know. Is that how you’d like for them to go?”

“No. I’d rather be doing something. Anything different than this.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Working out. Having a glass with Bones. Playing pool with Scotty. Anything.”

“Funny. I know from all the talk around this high-school that you haven’t gone to see the doctor at all these past couple of months. You haven’t played pool with Scotty for just as long. And Sulu complains you’re never in the gym anymore. So, what do you really want to be doing?”

She looked over at him curious and he found himself pinned under her gaze.

What indeed?

Finally, he spat out, “Sleeping.”

She seemed surprised at that and asked, “Have you been having trouble with that?”

“I’ve always had trouble with sleep. It’s just a little more persistent lately.”

Helen nodded and then asked, “Why are you here?”

Jim rubbed his forehead and finally said with a sigh, “I accidently bonded with my best-friend.”

Helen just silently stared at him and she arched a god-damned brow.

He fucking hated it when people did that.

Jim breathed deeply and let his head fall onto his hand. “I made Spock bond to me.”

A few minutes of silence passed.

It pounded into him. He could feel it with every hard thump of his heart.

Tell the truth.

Tell the truth.

No bending.

No bullshit.

_Fuck. He was such a disgusting piece of shit._

“I…”

_I’m a monster. I’m everything Frank and Kodos and Adam said I was going to be._

“I…”

_Go ahead, Jim._

_Go ahead and admit it._

_You were never a great person. Spock made you a good Captain. And now you’re a shit friend._

It was so fucking cliché.

Everything he ever had was crumbling around him. He could feel the sparkling grey walls rust under his fingertips, feel the hatred and betrayal from Nyota, he could feel Spock’s anger, his horror, his astonishment.

His grief.

His **disgust.**

Something hard hit him and he jumped.

Jim blinked and realized he had fallen down.

Panting, his heart racing, black spot danced around his vision and Helen hit him again.

He jumped away from her and alert, now was surprised.

She stood and didn’t look frightened or concerned. She looked angry.

“Say it.”

Jim backed away. Frightened irrationally now, he shook his head and backed up until he hit the wall.

He only realized he was still panting when his chest started to burn.

“Say it!” Helen barked.

Jim tried to rationalize this.

His heart was beating too quickly, too hard.

Helen was tiny, he could take her in a fight. He was in control. He was her Captain.

She was doing this because it was part of her job.

But suddenly, he was seven years old and pinned down and open and bleeding and she was ordering him.

“Say. It.”

Jim moved his mouth and a sound came out much like a wounded animal and he tried several times before he whispered, “I raped him.”

Then he had nothing.

No body, no heart, nothing but hollowness and he crumbled slowly to the ground.

He didn’t even realize he was crying until Helen wrapped her arms around him and he clung on as if he were drowning, gasping for one more breath before the wave took him into the dark.


	2. Sessions With The Most Unprofessional Therapist; Captain James' Records

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's finally talking, hopefully it stays that way. Cheers!

“Why did you do it?”

It had been two weeks since Jim said it and now he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Therapy was only making it worse. He hated everything all the time now.

He couldn’t look at anyone, couldn’t even look in the mirror to shave properly.

He scratched his stubbly chin, wishing he shaved better blind.

“I told you, I didn’t mean to.”

Helen tilted her head, not looking at him and nodded.

“I believe that. And yet you told me you drank and took Bones’ medications.”

“I was trying to sleep.”

“But you ended up bleeding out in shower. How did it come to that?”

Jim gritted his teeth and tried his best not to snap at Helen.

_What did this even matter?_

He wasn’t suicidal. He said it over and over to Bones, to Helen to Admiral Fletcher who was thankfully keeping it quiet.

It had been an accident and he healed within an hour so what did it matter? It happened over well over a month ago for crying out loud.

“I told you. I was drunk and I was sleep deprived.”

“Yet your medical records show not one but twenty-three old and healing cuts on your thighs. Self-inflected and all right above your femoral artery. If it hadn’t been for Spock finding you, you would have bled out. Why did you cut yourself?”

Jim looked away, arms crossed once again and said, “I…I’m used to being injured or cut up or hurt. I woke up and…”

Helen just continued with her puzzle on the table, silent concentrating on filling in the sides.

Letting his thoughts race and _race_ and **RACE**.

Finally, he said, “It just…it was too much. I felt like shit and everything was shit and I just wanted to hurt in a way that I could fix. I didn’t mean to go that deep. And I was drunk off my ass. I would have healed it and I had a dermal regenerator. I was going to heal it.” He sounded defensive even to himself and Jim quickly shut up.

Helen nodded again and then quietly asked, “Do you ever think about your mother?”

The whole topic change threw him. She had done this before and every time it put him off guard.

“What?”

“You were emancipated at fourteen, that’s pretty young. I was wondering if you ever thought about her.”

Jim narrowed his eyes and thought about the last time he saw her. Her confusion, grief, horror.

The last time it had been him, Winona and Sam all in a room together. His sham of a family.

“No. I don’t.”

That was the easiest thing he ever said in these meetings.

“What about your brother?”

“Bones?” He said it before he even realized and then shook himself.

Helen smiled gently and slightly sad, then brightened as she fit a jagged piece in the damned picture.

“Um…no. I don’t think about Sam.”

Then he thought about the whole no bullshit rule and he said, “I dream about him sometimes.”

Helen cocked her head, glanced up at him and waited.

“When I have a nightmare. And I don’t normally have them about…well…about my childhood. They’re usually about the now-losing the ship, crew dead…Spock… that kind of thing. But when I do, I tend to slip into Frank and…and the rest of them…. I see Sam there.”

“What does Sam do?”

Jim looked down at his shoes. He needed new ones. His were getting scruffy. His leg was twitching and he forced himself to still it. 

“Sometimes… he just stares. Other times, he laughs and says I deserve it and encourages them. Other times I watch him walk away.”

Helen nodded as if knowing this answer. And then she said, “You said he encourages them. Who does he help?”

Jim stiffened and glared back at the older woman.

“You know.”

Helen merely gave him a glare right back. And before they finished their staring match the bell went off, Jim shot out of his chair and fled the room.

 

 

 

“Do you think it’s good for the ship when it’s two commanding officers to have no relationship?”

Jim sighed and stared up at the ceiling.

“It’s not that easy. We were bonded. I… I literally took advantage of him. He went into Pon Farr and I just…I just jumped him. It was like I wasn’t even me.”

He didn’t look over at Helen.

He was laying on the left couch, she was laying on the right and both were staring up at the holo ceiling. Jim had chosen a forest with little birds flying from tree to tree, the sound of birdsong seemed out of place in the room.

“You’ve said that before. It was like it wasn’t me. I couldn’t control myself. It felt like I would die if I didn’t have him. Every time you mention it you’re very clear that you weren’t yourself.”

Jim winced as he remembered that too. It had been awful. He had been all over the place with his emotions.

And _jealous,_ god he hated Nyota that week.

 **Hated** her.

And he never truly hated most people. Only Frank. Only Kodos. Only his mom and Sam and Adam. And the Others.

But they were mostly monsters. And monsters were okay to hate.

Friends, coworkers, were not okay to hate.

“I don’t know what happened.”

“You forced yourself on Spock and he took you for his mate.”

Having her say it destroyed him and closed his eyes.

He could feel it. That bond as it formed. Beautiful and powerful, it had breathed life into him. It was all things; claim and ownership and love and need and fire. It had hurt. All of it had hurt. The way Spock had taken him, the way he had shattered his thigh, bit his neck, scratched him, clutched him and pounded into him for hours.

It had hurt was an understatement.

But it had been the first good hurt he ever experienced. He had been dying, been on fire, he had shaken with the need just to touch, to taste, to finally, finally give in.

And it had been glorious.

As perfect as he always dreamt of. With the pain had come such pleasure he really did think he was really going to die from it. And throughout it was that bond, pulsing with each second, pulsing with each of their heartbeats urging them further and further.

And then he had woken up.

And everything he had exploded, Spock finally saw him.

He could still feel Spock’s confusion as he woke with a male instead of Nyota, how he had shown surprise and horror when he saw Jim. And still under the effects of Pon Farr but more clear-headed they had sex that last time.

Spock was slow. He was cautious and gentle and barely touched him at all.

And with that bond so open Jim could feel the shock still coursing through his mate, feel his grief and anger on being disloyal.

He felt Spock’s thoughts turn over and over and thinking about what happened and Nyota.

God Nyota.

“Yeah. Until we got to the nearest Vulcan and we had it removed.”

“Was it painful?”

Jim’s breath hitched.

He couldn’t.

He just couldn’t.

Without answering, he walked out not even half way through the fucking thing.

He never wanted to leave Star Fleet more.

 

 

 

“Do you know when you lost your virginity?”

Jim turned and glanced over at Helen. She was virtually fishing and not paying attention to him.

Frowning, he just said, “Huh?”

She had been silent the last half hour of her visit to his room in Med Bay having gone through a ridiculous mission had left him with a concussion and fractured spinal cord. It would be mended in a few days with Bones’ help and their new tech on their ship, but not to miss an opportunity, Helen had made her way over a few hours prior since he had been stuck planet-side for three days.

“I lost mine when I was sixteen. Jacob Harvey, god he was stunning. Horribly stupid looking back on it but gorgeous. I’m actually really proud all my lovers have been stunning. When did you lose yours?”

Jim wanted to shake his head so badly.

“I’m not too sure. Six? I want to say six, I remember that one but I kinda already knew what was happening so I must have done it sooner.”

“And the xendo root messed with your memory a lot right?”

Jim swallowed and replied, “Yeah. Fucked up a lot of shit.”

“Yes, your allergies and immune system deficiencies have a lot to do with early childhood addictions. Did Frank make you go cold-turkey every time he wanted you sober?”

Jim bit his lip and choked out, "Yup."

“What was Kodos like?”

Jesus, this woman was going to kill him.

 

 

 

“I think it’s time for homework.”

“What?”

“Homework. I want you to talk to Spock. One word, two. Say hi or Good morning.”

Talk to Spock.

_Talk to Spock. _

**_Talk to Spock._ **

Jim waited for Spock to go to the lift before following at just the right pace to make it look like he was surprised too and Spock couldn’t just say no to sharing the lift.

They both glanced the surprised faces of Sulu and Chekov before the doors shut.

Talk to Spock!

It was tense.

Jim could feel Spock’s tension.

“I…”

Shit.

Spock glanced over at him.

“Uh…you…How…”

_Fuck._

“Captain?”

Jim clenched his hands and glanced over at Spock. To think this had once been as easy as breathing. As necessary as breathing.

“How’s the science labs?”

Spock arched a brow and without giving anything away said, “Fine, Captain.”

Then the doors opened and Spock nodded stiffly and walked out.

 

 

 

 

“You want me to what?”

“Go out on shore leave. It’s December. It’s been five months since you and Spock had your falling out and we’re officially a half-year closer to this mission being over. You haven’t gone off this ship for recreational reasons in over eight months. You need a break. So I’m telling you your homework is to go with Doctor McCoy and get off the ship.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Did you feel any guilt when you killed the children of Jabar?”

Jim groaned and winced from the memory.

"Is therapy supposed to drag every shitty thing that every happened out into broad daylight? I don’t fucking agree with it. There is some shit that should just…stay fucking closed.”

Jim gave up, sighing, he said, “And that’s classified.”

“You told me bits and pieces, I put the rest together.”

Jim sighed and said, “Of course I feel bad. Fuck. It was fucked. The mission was fucked. I was fucked. I was following my orders.”

“How many people would you say you killed for MACO as a teenager?"

Jim glanced over at Helen only to see her drawing and then glared and snapped out, “More than enough.”

She nodded not even looking over.

He didn’t know how to say he lost count.

He fucking hated therapy.


	3. Finally Talking Is, At First, Like Gasping For Air

 

 

“Homework. You’re going to look in the mirror every day, twice a day and name ten things you like about yourself.”

Jim frowned in the mirror.

Waking up was so damned hard now.

_Okay._

He liked his eyes. They had gotten him out of some pretty, crazy shit in his life. Into it too, but mostly out.

He liked…

_Okay. He could do this._

He was a great actor. Although that could be a bad thing too. Deceptiveness was, not to all people, a good trait.

Shit.

He liked that he was determined. Yeah that was a great thing. He stayed in Star Fleet.

He liked…he liked… he liked that he…

How many things was he at now?

Not that many he guessed but then his comm went off and he was saved by actual, real work.

 

 

 

Jim slouched by Sulu and said, “..and then…she fainted!”

Sulu burst out laughing and Chekov chuckled. Nina was turned towards him, face lit up. Even Spock was glancing over from time to time but Jim didn’t look over too much.

He grinned and slapped the console. “It was fucking hilarious! I’m telling you guys-”

“Captain.”

Jim’s bright grin fell a little as he turned towards Uhura and said, “Yes, Lieutenant?”

“Sir, there’s a message for you and Commander Spock from the Vulcan space craft Vya'tek.”

Jim frowned and exchanged a look with Spock. Like always a little bit of tension rose as their gazes met but he nodded and said, “Send it to the ready room.”

Both of them walked side by side into the next room over and soon the screen lit up showing Sarek.

Spock straightened and surprised said his greetings to his father. Jim didn’t know if Sarek knew what had happened. But from Sarek’s long gaze on him, he thought he did. His heart raced with a whole shit load of bad emotion.

“Spock, Captain Kirk, I am currently on my way to Space Station Arlora and I understand you will docking there in two weeks, is this accurate?”

Spock nodded and Jim said, “Yes Sir. We’re now officially headed back to Federation Space. What are you doing so far from there, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Spock’s shoulders dipped slightly, most likely relived that Jim had asked and saved him from doing so.

“I am honoring Selik’s wishes. He has been ill these past few months and is now ready to pass. He wishes to see the both of you before he fades.”

Jim was shocked.

He had just spoken to Selik. They had a game planned. But now that he thought of it he had noticed the tiredness, even teased him about it. The whole Old Man speech now seemed incredibly rude.

“Fuck.”

Jim’s legs gave out and he sank into the nearest chair. He felt light-headed.

This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t right.

Sure, Selik was old but he wasn’t old for a Vulcan. He was supposed to have at least sixty years or more.

He felt so guilty that he didn’t even ask about the dark circles under his eyes or the fact he lost weight. Jim just assumed it was stress from the building, from dealing with all the other planets and diplomatic shit. Everyone knew it was draining.

He was a horrible, horrible person. He felt like crying and he couldn’t.

He didn’t have that right. Selik and him were friends but hardly close. A few comms every other week, sometimes only a minute long. They were too busy to stay in touch but for some reason it felt more than that.

“I grieve with thee,” Spock said quietly to his dad and soon the transmission was over.

“Jim, do you wish me to call Doctor McCoy?”

Jim glanced up and sniffed and then horrified found out he was actually crying. Quickly he wiped the tears away and stood.

Clearing his throat, he said, “No Mr. Spock. I’m fine. How are you?”

God, Spock just heard another version of him was going to die. That had to fuck up your mind.

“I am...no...” Spock was looking at him. Really looking at him and Jim suddenly didn’t know how to act.

Should he leave?

He should.

He was about to when Spock said, “I am going to request a transfer.”

Jim froze and snapped back to Spock. “What?” He snapped his mouth shut when he realized how loud that was.

Spock swallowed and said, “I was aware that we needed time to sort through everything that has happened. It was my belief that once we had a sufficient enough space that we might being to…go back to normal. However, as we currently stand we do not make a sufficient team and indeed I have noticed you trying to reconnect with the crew. It has worked and moral is once again up. But whenever we are needed to work together…we do not...” Spock frowned and Jim could see his frustration at trying to convey what he was feeling and thinking.

His heart was pounding and Jim without thinking took a step forward.

Eyes blazing and half hurt and half angry and all guilty Jim spoke determinedly, “No. I won’t allow you to transfer. If anyone has to be removed from the ship, I’ll go.” Spock looked ready to interrupt but Jim cut him off, “And…and we’ll try okay? If that’s what you want. How do you want to go about it?”

Jesus, this was as awkward as their first couple of weeks working (officially) together had been. If possible, it was even more awkward.

Spock frowned again but Jim could see him thinking. “I do not know.”

No.

Neither did Jim. He’d never been in this position before.

He never had friends to lose in order to learn how to make up to someone.

Homework.

Right.

“Um…do you want to maybe go on more missions together or are we discussing…hanging out?”

Spock took awhile to reply and when he did it was stiff, “Are we still friends?”

Jim was surprised at the question and responded quickly, once again before his brain could act up and stop his mouth, “Do you consider me your friend?”

“You have always been my friend.” The answer came out just as quickly and shocked him. Jim swallowed and took some time to take that in. In the silence, Spock asked quietly, uncertain, “Am I yours?”

Jim was gobsmacked and opened his mouth only to close it.

He nodded.

Spock nodded back and said, “Perhaps then…a game of chess?”

_Chess._

That was easy.

“Yeah. Rec room at eight?”

Spock lifted a brow and then slowly nodded.

 

 


	4. I Have Felt A Pure Kind Of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I just want to say thank you for everything; reading, leaving comments and kudos! Thank you!   
> I haven't ever been to therapy or experience such trauma as Jim in this story has so this fiction is not at all realistic in actual, real therapy strategies. This story just sort of came to me in one night and it is finished!! I wanted it as a one shot but it's too long since I can't seem to make a short story as trying to do it always froze the page.   
> I really liked the idea of a sad story ( I tend to go for a more serious/angst Kirk) and Helen just sort of popped up. I wanted a unique therapist in which needed to completely go out of the box to get a Captain/Leader/Hold-It-All-In Kirk to actually talk. Jim's more of a run away and push it down sort of person. He shuts down and will literally not talk. So he needs someone a little more creative to get him to express.  
> Hope you enjoy!!

 

 

“Why are you such a terrible person?”

Helen was throwing a ball against the wall. It hit the floor, hit the wall and then bounced right back into her hand.

“Because of all the things I’ve done. All the things I chose to do.”

“What things have you done that were entirely your choice? Following orders for MACO? Killing Kodos? Shutting out your family?”

Jim glared at the ball.

Floor.

Wall.

Hand.

He didn’t answer.

 

 

 

“What gave you hope when you were younger? What inspired you to fight so hard?”

Hope?

Jim thought back to when he was young. Innocent. When he thought someone was going to save him, help him, notice. No one had. Not until it was too late and it meant so little.

He had fought because he couldn’t not fight.

At first, he imagined small things; his mother’s hug, Sam’s bright smile.

Then he pictured a whole plate full of food.

A day of no blood, no bruises, no fear.

He imagined in bright vivid detail; thick blankets, soft pillows, men and women who had soft hands and kind eyes and fucking hearts.

Hope that they were out there, shadowy and far away but real.

Hope that one day someone would reach out to him and help, warm him, love him.

He said as much. 

“What kept you going?”

“I wanted to live.”

And the answer surprised him then.

He had and still does. He wanted to laugh and joke and love. He wanted to have friends and family and walk easy; knowing what happened to him, knowing that he couldn’t change any of it but he didn’t want to regret any of it.

He wanted to rid himself of the shame, the guilt, the horrors that still haunted him.

He wanted Spock.

He knew it wouldn’t happen the way he wanted and he finally admitted silently to himself…he was going to be okay with that.

He had to be okay with that.

He just wanted Jim-and-Spock back. The way they had been together. It was the closest thing to peace he had ever felt.

Helen gave him homework; list ten things he was thankful for. 

 

 

Jim winced as Cadet Johnson whistled. “Perhaps we should move the game to a more private location?”

Jim looked up at Spock to see him looking uncomfortable with such a loud atmosphere. Everyone seemed to have gravitated to this room tonight.

There was the mess hall. Or the observatory. But both would be close to empty if not completely isolated.

He kept staring at Spock’s hands.

“Here’s good.”

 

 

Jim grew more anxious the closer they got to Selik.

And soon Spock and Uhura were making their way to the transporter beam. Jim stood back and when Spock gave him a look he said, “I’m going to give you some time to say goodbye, then I’ll beam down.” Spock nodded after a short time and then disappeared.

He waited five minutes before beaming down himself.

He felt him before he even got to the door.

Unlike Spock, Selik wasn’t in control. His emotions and telepathic abilities were going wild and right then Jim could feel that mind inside his own.

 _‘James!’_ He heard inside his head. The excitement, the relief and joy caught him off guard and he had to compose himself before he entered.

Swallowing hard, he tried not to cry, tried to restrain his own longing in case it was broadcast for everyone.

The apartment was luxurious but Jim didn’t see it. Selik was laid out in the front room on a spacious, oversized chaise. He was noticeably, unnaturally ashen and wheezing, his eyes closed.

Jim was surprised he held on as long as he did. He didn’t move as Jim approached.

_‘How does it begin?’_

Sarek and T’Pau were standing off to one side with Uhura sitting down and Spock beside her standing by the dinning room table.

Sarek was the one who said, “He has been calling for you and repeating that phrase for the past week now.”

Sarek, as well as everyone else was confused by that.

Not Jim. All their talks over the past few years came in sharp focus and he listed another thing he was grateful for. 

He smiled, trying to push down all his grief and took off his jacket, already sweating in the overly-hot room.

“Spock, don’t you dare,” he said amusingly, surprising everyone in the room, “You’re being a smartass. You know how it begins.”

He felt amusement, a brush of teasing joy, as well as just a touch of fear. He wasn’t surprised that everyone else could feel it too judging from their reactions.

_‘I wish to hear it from you, Ashayam.’_

Jim nodded and sat down on the large chaise. He grabbed Spock’s hand and laid down so that he was half on top of the elder.

Face to face, he said, “You have to clear your mind for this, my friend.”

Taking a deep breath, he spoke slowly and calmly while one of his hands gently fingered Spock’s white hair and the other brushed over Spock’s fingers.

“There’s a warmth on your skin. It’s a familiar warmth, one that soaks into your skin on a warm summer’s evening. It’s all you feel and you bask in it for a time, letting it take away all your stress and worry.”

Uhura gasped as everyone felt that warmth on them. The Vulcans stiffened in surprise.

“Now, you open your eyes and you feel happiness. Everyone is going to be arriving soon so you lean down to put on your shoes. You notice the claw marks in the floor, the stained rug and once more it makes you feel peace, excitement and just a touch of anxiousness.

“You wander down the familiar hall, your fingers trailing the coffee-cream walls and familiar glinted framed pictures. These are just walls, just tiled floors but it has something utterly unique in the way it seeps into your memories. Warm happiness, a calmness that allows you to completely relax unlike anywhere else. There’s no stress or worry in this house, just acceptance, welcoming joy. The sun’s going to be setting soon but light is still coming through the windows and you follow it, now coming into the open and airy living room. You slowly savour each step that takes you to plush rugs and passed the oversized sofa to open up the sliding doors.”

Jim knew the Vulcans tensed when Nyota once again gasped as the room around them disappeared and instead they all saw Vulcan appear around them. Spock’s telepathic powers were apparently extremely underrated because mass hallucinations were both awesome and crazy powerful.

“The view from the balcony is beautiful Spock.” He didn’t take his eyes of the elder as he continued, only slightly choking up, as Spock painted the illusion with Jim’s words echoing in the room.

“The sky is a mixture of purple and reds, a hint of blue from the S’re lake. A sha’ak flies by, calling out to it’s mate, getting ready for the evening hunt and you watch as it soars across the sky, across the red sands and the high, ragged mountains as it disappears out into the great Forge.”

“’Spock,’ you hear and you turn.”

Reading his mind, Selik already had his family pictured down on the patio and Amanda appeared, alive and well and young.

Sarek noticeably inhaled at the too-real image.

“’Come down, let me see you,’ she says with a smile, her hair teased by the wind.”

They watch as Spock almost runs to her and she laughs as they hug, the bond reforms from Spock’s memory and everyone takes a moment to bask under the warmth and love and longing.

Jim continued quietly but luckily calmly too, “’I’m so very proud of you. I’ve missed you so much,’ she says and she’s grinning and looks like she wants to cry but she doesn’t. She let’s you go and she turns to Sarek whose young and relaxed and noticeably happy. He keeps his face neutral but you can feel his love, his pride when he looks at you. He raises his head in the Vulcan way and he says warmly, ‘Spock,’ and it’s all that’s needed between you two. Always so alike you two can read each other, read between the lines and you hear as much love and pride and awe as you did in your mother’s voice.

“You nod back with just a hint of a smile. And you turn to T’Pau and Skon who are standing and looking so young, younger than you’ve seen them and they too have warm eyes as they look upon you. Skon nods much like your father but soon you’re turning once again as you hear your name called too excitedly.”

And there he is, Jim, just as bright, just as golden and his own twin, except he’s hazel-eyed.

He’s standing a bit higher having come through those sliding doors and he grins at Spock, lit up by the sun. Spock pictures him almost blindingly, too perfect to be a real image-or maybe that just how he saw him-and it brings tears to his eyes.

After swallowing Jim said, “’Spock! Took you long enough, I hope you don’t mind but I dragged everyone here,’ Jim says running down the steps to you eagerly and completely ungraceful. ‘I’ve missed you,’”

Jim didn’t need to say anymore then because Spock thought it. James jumped into his arms and everyone could feel the tight hold, the joy, the completeness and that bond erupted. Jim wouldn’t have been able to continue if he had still been speaking.

It was perfect. Just like he remembered. Those three days it had been searing and so blinding that Jim couldn’t really comprehend it. But for those first few minutes or so, right before the pain came and Spock blocking, it had been so beautiful. It was heaven. It was the making of the universe. Explosion of colour and need and truly, utterly becoming one soul. It was frightening, awe inspiring and made him feel both small within it and larger than the whole of galaxy, as if all those stars and planets and miracles could fit inside that knot in the back of his mind.

Most of all… it called to him, made him yearn for it with his entirety.

A loud snap echoed in the room but no one turned to see what it was. Everyone was too entranced by emotion and sight and sound.

Jim felt Spock’s arms around him, felt his face nuzzle into his neck and vice versa he felt like he was Spock and holding on so tightly to his bondmate, he thought he might disappear.

_Do not leave me._

It wasn’t spoken, it wasn’t even a thought but it blared throughout the room.

Not bothering to hide his tears, Jim laughed through it and whispered, “I’d never leave. Never again Spock. Me and you, always and forever out in the great beyond of everyone and everything.”

Jim caressed Spock’s cheek lightly and cleared his throat. “And that’s exactly when Bones comes on down grumbling. ‘Yeah, yeah, you two lovebirds. Let’s save that for after. I, being a true Southern Gentleman, brought drinks.’

“‘Technically, we brought drinks,’ Sulu butts in. And suddenly everyone is there. Chekov as young as when you first saw him and Sulu collected and graceful. Scotty’s already arguing with Keenser about something no one bothers with. And Uhura grins before she hugs you and says how much she missed you.”

“Finally, Bones says, ‘Alright, everyone’s happy to see everyone. Now let’s all make this a night. Mam,’ he says to your mother, ‘I hope you don’t mind us crashing.’

“Your mother laughs and it’s sweet and light and just like you remembered and she replies, ‘I haven’t entertained in ages. You’re all perfectly welcome.’ And we sit all surrounded by the low table bursting with foods both Vulcan and human. Scotty and Keenser dig right in and Scotty somehow engages Skon in conversation about something you’re not particularly listening to, but they seem interested.

"Within minutes everyone is talking and sharing. Soon you find yourself completely relaxed and Jim puts his arm around your shoulders with a bright, loving grin. You’re content for the first time in a very long time. Surrounded by your first friends and loving family, eyes soft and warm, everyone is equally happy, they’re smiling and laughing and bumping shoulders.”

Jim felt it, felt the chair he was sitting in, felt Spock next to him, tasted the food he was chewing. He felt happy and content and safe. It was so, so nice. It was his bond.

The bond.

A very real echo of it.

He had been Spock and Spock had been him.

How did any Vulcan now do this alone? How did Spock survive over a hundred years of this?

He had great respect for each and every one of the survivors; more than he had ever been able to know. 

Taking a deep breath, Jim closed his eyes and quietly, slowly said, “Soon, once everyone’s settled down a bit and congratulating Amanda and Sarek on dinner and wondering about desert, Jim turns to you.”

It was odd seeing him through Spock’s eyes. He seemed to be brighter, more confident, still too-perfect.

“’I hope you know how much I hate you right now,’ he says quietly with a smile. It brightens at your confused frown and he continues, ‘You know how impatient I get Spock. And I waited so, so long. And since we’re all settled and impatient people I hope you know what a long night it’s going to be. I want to hear everything, leave nothing out.’

“Jim leans further back into his chair, closer to you and his expression is open and interested. He’s going to make you tell every story, every adventure, you know it. You turn to your parents for some kind of ally in this but your mother just smiles and surprising it’s your father who says, ‘It was a long wait. I hope to hear it was a fascinating adventure to so defy one’s bondmate.’”

Jim swallowed feeling the peace but underneath Jim could feel Spock’s uncertainty and Jim said, “It’s okay Spock. I promise I’ll be okay.”

He felt a brush of concern and underneath it firmness. Jim had no problem translating the feeling.

Are you sure? It was as clear as if Spock had said it.

Jim nodded, pressed his forehead to Spock’s and whispered, “I swear Spock. I promise…

“Peace, Spock… it’s all you feel. Relief floods through you and you turn to Jim, smiling, and you say simply, truthfully, ‘It was…wonderful. I have missed you more than any words could ever dare to describe but I do believe you will be…proud of how much I accomplished and…how much trouble I caused...' Jim throws his head back and laughs as his eyes light up and he says, “Tell me the Admiralty kicked you out just once.’"

Jim swallowed and allowed himself to feel all of it. The hope, the brightness, warmth and love. It wasn't muddled with everyday emotions, headaches and irritations. This love was deep, Vulcan deep, galaxy deep. It was kind, generous, patient, thoughtful, unaffected by time or distance. There wasn't a selfish edge it to, not a single part of Spock's soul was bitter or self-loathing or pitying. He survived his mate's death, survived fifty of years watching friends die from simple old age, of new planets coming into light and others blinking out. 

He simply was ready. 

Jim's eyes teared up not in sadness, not entirely. He was as happy as Spock was and it was to this day the most pure thing he ever felt besides the bond he had been given if only for a short while. 

"You grin... You’re home Spock. And it’s perfect... Go home.”

Jim stopped speaking, his voice trailing to a whisper but a moment later; the vision, the emotions, the connection to Spock severs and they’re alone.

Uhura gasped loudly as it snapped shut and Jim took a moment to wipe his face.

Everyone was silent.

Jim took a second to straighten the bangs he messed up, then slowly stood and saw Uhura was crying from all the emotion and the Vulcans themselves looked less composed.

Jim turned to Sarek and with a lump in his throat he slowly approached the older Vulcan before he wrapped his arms around him and gave him his first true hug in four years.

It only then occurred to him that Sarek had lived with Amanda for thirty years and not only did he live without her, he now lived without human touch that he had most likely grown accustomed to.

“I grieve with thee,” he whispered in Golic.

After a moment, Sarek relaxed in his hold and almost gratefully wrapped his arms around him.

When Jim stepped back he thought he saw slight respect in Sarek’s gaze, Jim nodded to everyone and silently walked out, head high and a sad, small smile on his face.

 

 


	5. One Step At A Time; It's What I Have To Do

“Have you ever enjoyed sex?”

God damn her timing!

Jim growled as he missed his shot for his put. He was really getting into this mini-golf too.

Helen scooted him over and since he didn’t come up with an insane question to ask back, she scored on him.

He rolled his eyes and said, “Define enjoy.”

“Sexual satisfaction.”

“What the fuck is sexual satisfaction? Getting off?”

“You can ‘get off’ and not enjoy the experience. Did you ever really enjoy any of your lovers?”

Jim frowned and gave it some thought. Blake? Gaila’s friend Andrew? Gaila?

“Uh…still don’t know what you mean.”

She once more changed subjects abruptly, “Do you trust Star Fleet?”

Jim set up his ball and made sure he was going to get it around that fan thing.

Honestly, why did he think this was a good idea? They should have kept the course as it was supposed to be originally. He had to skip over two ramps and then through a somewhat harmful-to-touch tunnel and over the ‘moat’ and through the homemade fan. He only had ten minutes to set it all up, though.

“Star Fleet…some of it.”

“Which part?”

“My ship.”

He got his first goal and grinned.

 

 

Jim sighed and looked at himself in his part of the mirror and tapped on it.

To the left was a list of all that he was grateful for; His ship, his crew, friends, still being alive, opportunities, Pike, his career, experiencing the bond (somewhat fifty-fifty), Selik and being able to chose his own right and wrongs (at one point in life that hadn't been an option). The right of his mirror had yet to be filled with his digital stylus.

He liked that he was strong.

He liked his determination.

He liked the fact that he came so far from nothing.

He liked that he was courageous, no, that was a bad thing. He didn’t fear dying so it really wasn’t bravery.

He liked that Selik thought he was perfect.

He liked that he could do any of this.

He liked that he stayed and faced Spock and they were slowly improving.

He liked that he seized the chance to be better. Even if he was pushed into it at first.

How many was that?

 

 

“Would you care for a sparring match?” Spock asked two months after Jim’s thirtieth birthday.

They were officially a year and a half away from Terra having been assigned a few more planets, now once again in the outskirts of the Federation. While most hated being delayed eight months, for Jim it was a little more time before he had to decide career choices.

It had been almost eight months since Jim’s major fuck up but things were finally getting better. Things on the ship were going amazingly and the crew seemed lighter and happier. Him and Spock were closer too. It was still awkward at times but Jim and Spock began to do paperwork together again, sometimes even alone in the observatory or Spock’s room.

While Jim had moved back to his room under Helen’s encouragement he still didn’t feel comfortable in it and even less so when Spock knocked or when he heard him in the bathroom. There were still steps to be made but the hurdles seemed to have passed.

Until Spock asked him to spar.

Jim’s mouth went dry at the question and he snapped over to look at Spock who stood stoically beside him in the lift.

Everyone knew that the only real challenge Spock had on the ship was against him. Jim had been trained for pain from a young age and when he had been inside MACO his crew had all been nonhumans. In fact, Jim hadn’t sparred either because he tended to hit harder and move too fast for the security team.

Even Henderson complained that Jim was more head of security than he was. But Cupcake always loved to complain.

“I haven’t had a match since last summer.” Spock said when they both realized that Jim was frozen. “It would be good practice.”

Spock wanted to spar with him?

Going back to those moments when they used to fight every other morning before shift had been Jim’s guilty pleasure. Most of the time they ended up rolling around the matts too close to get good jabs in and too close to really get away without getting pinned. Jim had always loved the pressure of Spock on top of him, under him, pinning him down, grasping… Fuck.

He blinked and cleared his throat as the doors opened and Spock sensing Jim’s discomfort, said, “We can always postpone if you wish. I understand if you have more pressing matters at hand.”

That softened his shock.

One thing about Spock was that he saw a lot more than what he let people know. He knew when to go all Vulcan-y and piss people off by saying he didn’t understand but he had learned Earth customs a hell of a lot faster than most Vulcans. It could have been Amanda’s influence but Jim always thought it was because Spock hated not actually understanding something.

In past couple of years of knowing him, Spock had learned Jim just as well and knew how to give him a dignified out. And this was exactly that.

Jim could say he was busy even if both of them knew he wasn’t and Spock would graciously accept it.

Quickly, he caught the door that was swinging closed and said, “Well I don’t know about you but I’ve been dying to show you up. You do realize I’m in more amazing shape then I was back when I was twenty, right?”

He saw Spock visibly relax and was surprised that he missed the Vulcan tensing in the first place.

“I did not know you when you were than age, Jim, however, with your countless hours in the gym of late, I have no doubt that you will be an acceptable challenge.”

Jim snorted good naturedly and wanted so badly to slap Spock on the shoulder or bump him with his elbow. It was second nature and he had a noticeable twitch but thankfully stopped himself.

He grinned instead and caught Spock looking away, relaxed and easy.

Neither mentioned why Jim spent so many hours-mostly nights-in the gym exhausting himself.

 

 

“Tell me about Adam.” Jim tensed immediately.

In a way, it was worse than Kodos and the hunger and starvation. Worse than a city of corpses. Worse than all the hell he created by being a MACO bitch. Adam had always been a no-go territory.

Adam, Linden and Jax.

“You know the story.”

Helen nodded and tilted her head to examine her painting for the hundredth time for a mistake in her blending.

Seriously, she never looked at him, she was like the most un-therapist that ever was. This time she was painting, literally-with an easel.

_Where did you get actual paint anyway?_

She wouldn’t even tell him.

Had to be Scotty.

Scotty somehow could get anyone, anything.

Last time, she did yoga. He didn’t know what she’d do tomorrow. But a part of him respected her for it. At first, she had faced him, legs crossed, professionally posed towards him.

He hated people looking at him like that and he sneered throughout half of their first appointment before catching himself. It was always easier to talk when he wasn’t looking at them. He still hated talking about most of it.

Jim sighed, rubbed his face and made himself really think about them.

Kodos he understood in a way. A sick way and an unimaginable cruel way, but he still got it in a sense. It didn’t stop the thirteen-year-old him from burning the man alive but he and Kodos had always shared similar traits that he both admired and hated.

He now could admit-grudgingly with Helen’s help over the last couple of months-he had huge fear of becoming Kodos. He feared those similarities, even the fact that he could wrap his mind around the man’s motives.

If he could understand it, even see a point or two, having been tutored under him, having admired him…was that a flaw against his own mentality?

Thankfully, he could also acknowledge the man was fucked the whole way up and he liked to remember that whenever he thought of the man. 

Adam, Linden and Jax…he just couldn’t.

And Adam took the cake.

“I want to hear it from you. Besides, that whole section is a big fat black mark on your records. Literally. I can’t even get close to anything about you prior to the age of fourteen, besides what you offered that is.”

Jim shrugged. “I told you what Frank did.”

He couldn’t say anymore.

Instead, Helen came back with, “Love is something every known being desires Jim. There is nothing wrong with you there. You deserve to be loved just like everyone else. You have many friends who care about you. Do you believe you’ll fall in love again?”

He stayed silent.

And after that she bluntly asked, “Are you planning on abandoning Star Fleet after our five-now-six-year mission? Leaving Bones? Spock?”

 

 


	6. You're Never Alone

Jim spent most nights going over the hour-long conversations with Helen.

Over and over he went through it.

Sometimes, the talks would pop in his head in the most random places.

The mess hall when he ordered soup and a salad, having gone ten months without eating meat.

The last mission on Rixus when they’d been under gunfire again.

And now he was thinking about their last conversation as he sat at an outdoor bar on leave.

Honestly, it wasn’t helping.

It just made things clearer and he didn’t want them to be.

He didn’t want his problems and flaws glaring at him so brightly. And they were.

How did he feel when his mother and brother left him? God. He hadn’t ever thought about them. Truthfully.

He went through seven years of MACO missions. He had been the youngest recruit in over a century and that one had been because it had been World War Three. Vulcans hadn’t even crashed Terra yet.

He felt abandoned and alone and afraid. He felt furious for her thinking he was her son. He was no one’s son. He told her. He told her twice what was happening. Twice. Because for some stupid reason nine-year old Jim didn’t get the message with the first whipping.

And she left him telling him not to spew out lies.

He felt angry and disappointed.

And Sam. He was worse.

The guilt, the utter relief he had. He had known exactly what had happened. And he was the one who was relieved it didn’t happen to him.

Sam’s voice whispering his apologies, his grief, his agonized calls to be forgiven still haunted Jim.

He had been half dead by then, too weak to move, otherwise, he would have pushed his weak, pathetic, sobbing brother down and as far away from him as possible. The fact was his family only ever had his back when it suited them, when they looked bad in front of the public.

Because Tarsus had been so well known, because he was too-well known.

And when he did have the energy back, he yelled and hollered and roared until his throat was raw and his voice broken. He spit hatred and agony and all his fury at them. He made them little and weak and alone and told them go fuck themselves.

He never looked back.

Until now.

Jim wondered what his mother looked like.

He wondered if Sam ever became a better person than what his kid self had been.

Maybe if he were in Sam’s shoes he would have done the same thing. He hadn’t been around then, hadn’t heard Jim’s screams or spent time locked up in a dog cage. Hadn’t been passed around like an animal.

Maybe he would have looked the other way to save himself too.

Helen wanted him to reach out. Just to see them, no commitment.

He couldn’t.

Not yet.

But he was also at a place that he wouldn’t say never.

Maybe one day he could hear his mother’s voice and not scowl. When-if-he faced her, he didn’t want to be reduced to that little boy. He wanted to be James T. Kirk survivor. Warrior. Protector. He wanted to face her eye to eye and only see hope for a relationship-unconventional as it would be-and he needed to be okay if that didn’t work out too.

But as he watched Adam Ericson demand an apology from Star Fleet on the screens above the bar, Liam Hawkson, Jax Richards and Linden Baker all beside him, all looking just as pissed, he couldn’t help but think of them and his childhood and his fury at Star Fleet, his disappointment, his depression and loneliness just kept pulling him under.

He took anther shot and waved the waiter over to flirt him out a bottle of something a hell of a lot stronger.

 

 

 

“Adam was the worse out of the lot. He liked it when I called out or showed fear. At first, I was easy. He was my first or that I can remember really. I was scared, I knew what was coming but it wasn’t easy.”

“Was he intentionally rough?”

For once, Helen’s voice softened and she glanced over at him before quickly looking away.

“Yeah. He wanted me to bleed. He had me for a month, then he sort-of let go of his possessiveness.”

“Did you stay at his place?”

“A place he rented out. He went on a mission then and I got to meet Linden. I almost hate him just as much. He’s the one who wanted me to enjoy myself. He wanted me to love him so he kept me high as a drone whenever he wanted me. Wouldn’t ever make the first move. I had to go to him, the moment he drugged me though, I didn’t really comprehend anything else. It was just the drug. And I knew he had it so I did whatever he wanted for more. I learned a lot more about sex from him then I did from Adam.”

“And Adam always wanted you sober right?” Jim nodded, making himself concentrate on his paperwork.

 

 

 

“Do you remember how many others there were?”

“No. Sometimes there were a few or so a night. Parties, the kind of thing. It’ where I met Gaila when I was ten.”

“Did you two sleep together then?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah, she was my first girl and she was eight at the time.” It still sickened him. What he’d been forced to do to her, to all the others.

 

 

 

Tuesday, he was running late and for once a mission went right, but he was still exhausted.

He rescheduled with Helen for an afternoon session and stopped dead outside the door.

Spock was coming out.

Spock too looked surprised to see him before collecting himself, nodding and saying, “Captain,” then disappearing down the hall.

Jim, still frozen, frowned at Helen before saying, “Spock’s seeing you?”

Helen, much more professional looking than he was used to, got up from the chair that she never used with him and said, “I don’t discuss anything about anyone, Jim. You know that.”

But his worry went up a notch and he asked, slightly higher than usual, “Is Spock okay? He-”

Jim was about to say, he’d tell me if he wasn’t.

But Spock wouldn’t.

Not anymore.

Jim wasn’t his go-to person anymore.

He would never know if Spock was okay or simply ‘fine’.

And just like that, his chest tightened, his heartbeat started pounding and Jim’s eyes started to water.

The swiftness of the panic attack shocked him and when Helen started to cautiously approach him, he fled.

 

 

 


	7. Is This Really Happning? Really?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, thank you all soooooo much for commenting!! You are all amazing people.  
> Here I kinda added something that probably would never, ever occur in real life but hey it's Star Trek and none of it is real. Helen is extremely blunt for multiple reasons. One: I needed to give info fast and not layer story upon story because I'm super bad at making stort stories and I'm tempted to make it longer.  
> I will not simply because it's already long enough and it's finished!!!  
> Two: these guys are literally the two people in the entire universe that would like NOT to talk.  
> Three: Jim needs to face shit. She might seem totally enemy but she is trying to make him face shit he's very good at compartmentalizing. He can push all this down. He'd be able to tak to Spock eventually, but he'd ever most past it. And that'd what eventually she wants for him. And he wants that too.  
> Four: I need to get these two to talk to each other sooooooo I've added them into couples therapy.  
> Hahahahaha just go with it.  
> You're welcome.

 

 

“You are a great captain, a fantastic friend and a kind, generous, respectful and caring person. You’ve achieved great things throughout your life and will continue to do so.”

Jim grinned. “How do you feel?”

“Good. Open. Warm.”

“Do you believe what I just said?”

He tilted his head, took a moment and settled his head. He took up the strategies Helen was trying to teach him and pushed down all his negative thoughts.

Did he believe it? Cut through all the bullshit and doubt. Pike. Selik. His crew. Him. 

“Yes.”

He continued smiling.

 

 

 

Spock glanced over at him worriedly and Jim sat on the furthest corner of the couch tense as a board.

This was crazy.

It was unethical.

“I wanted to have this session with both of you here for the sake of everyone on this ship. Thank you for permitting it.”

Spock arched a brow and Jim gave Helen a glare. Jim would do the eyebrow thing too, but he just couldn’t pull it off.

“Crew morale is up, Doctor, and since our previous mission went extremely well, everyone is currently relaxing as we get closer to the Sol system.”

Helen nodded and agreed before continuing way more professional now then he’d ever saw her.

He twitched as she continued, “What has the crew in a state of tension is the question on whether or not the opportunity to once again board the Enterprise for another long-term mission will arise in a year following our landing with the same crew as we have, well, roughly.”

Spock frowned but Jim already understood. “I do not understand Doctor. The Captain and myself are not responsible for the future missions.”

“She’s not talking about future missions Spock," he growled out. 

Spock looked over at him but Helen explained in a very therapist way, “Spock, do you ever wonder about serving under a different captain? Or perhaps becoming a captain yourself? I know there have been offers recently.”

Jim sat straighter, alert.

There had been offers?

When?

By who?

_Who the fuck was poaching his Vulcan?_

Jim, unknowingly, glared daggers at Spock and Helen. His leg started bouncing harder.

Spock straightened in defense and did not look at Jim which only made him madder.

“I have given it thought as everyone has thought about their careers and the future. One day, perhaps I will become a Captain, however, currently I am content in my placement.”

“And you’d be just as content without Captain James Kirk?”

Jim saw the slight twitch of Spock’s fingers before Spock turned to him and calmly asked, “James, is this some kind of attempt in trying to tell me that you plan on taking another posting? If so, we could have done without the third party.”

Jim gaped at Spock and said, “No. No. I’m planning on finishing the mission. Besides, were almost sixteen-months away from earth I can’t just tap out now.”

Spock relaxed marginally but still looked wary. “You never answered the question Spock.”

“I cannot answer the question, doctor. As I have only ever served Captain Pike and Captain Kirk and have different experience with both, I cannot say if I would be as you say ‘content’ now serving under someone completely different.”

Jim almost smiled at Spock’s attitude.

Until Helen came back with attitude of her own.

“How are they different?”

“Excuse me?”

“You served two Captains. One for four years, the other for two and half. Granted with Pike you stayed rather close to Terra but you did run a number of diplomatic missions that you could compare with Kirk. How are they different?”

Spock frowned and Jim could see the gears working and then Spock blinked and was blank-faced so quickly, it shocked Jim to see the cold expression once again.

It was silent for five minutes before Jim glanced over at Spock awkwardly.

Spock spoke slowly, grudgingly, “Pike was...more formal in his operations. He was also more organized and stern. He was less irritating and much more open to compromise.”

Jim gaped and hurt said, “I can compromise. And I’ve gotten way more organized than that first year.”

Spock nodded and said, “You have, I did not say you were not. Only that with Pike’s considerable experience he was more prepared than you are. You have never served under a Captain. Not in command. In the Academy, you were placed in Engineering when aboard your field mission.”

“That was standard at the time.”

Again, Spock nodded and calmly said, “Because everyone assumed you would serve four additional years on board several ships before becoming a First Officer, then if you fast tracked yourself once again, you would have made Captain a year from today.”

Jim did the math in his head and yeah, Spock was right.

Shit, did he ever fast-track it.

He always knew how green he was in theory, but having that laid out just now, hell' he was born for Captaincy. No wonder everyone waited for him to fail and it was only now that they were cruising back that people actually started believing he pulled this shit off.

Even Jim secretly agreed it was an actual, real miracle.

And blind luck.

“Spock.”

Uh-oh.

“Do you think being under a more professional Captain would be a pleasant change?”

Spock stayed silent in thought, but Jim couldn’t help but say, “I am professional.”

Spock didn’t look at him, but he could feel the doubt.

Helen even smirked.

“I am!”

“Do you know Nathan Fawl?”

“Yeah, he’s the cadet in Communications Nyota requested last year.”

Spock now glanced at him knowingly but admiring.

For some reason, Spock was always surprised that Jim knew everyone on board his ship. He knew three favorite things, three least favorite things, town, and their birthdays. He knew a few little more things here and there but in general he kept it simple. There were over three hundred people aboard, he could only memorize so much.

“Do you remember his very first time aboard?”

Both of the commanding officers blushed.

Yeah, that was unforgettable.

Sulu hadn’t invited him to a party in a rec-room around Christmas time and Jim had gotten the bridge crew together for ‘bonding time’.

Nyota hadn’t been informed because she just happened to have common sense, though it was more of a hindrance than a positive on his ship.

Okay, point one for Helen.

He ordered a game of phaser tag. Only adding more to it, he got everyone to piggyback each other, Sulu and Chekov, Scotty and Keenser, Bones and Carol, Nina and Cupcake. Spock put on the vest and Jim had been blindfolded and given the light phaser.

Those with phasers had to go on their partner’s sight as they raced around the ship trying to capture each other. Once hit, the grav-boots kept them locked to the ground for three minutes before they were ‘released’; by the end of the hour Spock and Jim had won and Sulu and Chekov never once missed sending him an invitation.

Those three minutes outside the lift, with only being able to picture it since he was sightless, was excruciating.

He couldn’t picture how embarrassed Spock must have been.

His girlfriend and a new crew member witnessing him holding Jim up, waving franticly from one side of the corridor to the other, blasting harmlessly and shouting Sulu’s name since Chekov had just stunned them.

And he remembered the ease in which he had leaned into Spock, letting him completely support him, letting his head rest against Spock’s shoulder and felt the bristles of his cheek. How he whispered comically-loudly, “Spock, this is unprofessional. Mom is literally scowling right now, I can _feel_ it. Logic this!”

And Spock, completely following him, straightened as if he was addressing the Admiralty, and Jim had no doubt he could have done that too-only it’d be less embarrassing.

“We are currently having a training exercise in which heightens the crew trust, aim, reflexes, as well as communication which is all high-qualities to possess in case of emergencies. Wouldn’t you agree, Lieutenant?”

And Jim had burst out laughing completely ruining Spock’s seriousness.

As their buzzard clicked down on Spock's vest, Jim and Spock shifted as one and Spock said, “Ninety.”

Just as they got free, Jim pointed and shot freezing Bones and Carol before they knew what happened.

“No fair! Shit! Nyota… hey… hi…” Bones gulped as Carol blindfolded swore.

“Shit, mom’s here?”

“Rule number one,” he had said to the newbie, “lose everything you learned at the Academy! It’s pointless here. Rule two; never trust Vulcans. They can logic ANYTHING! Run! Abort! Away from the adults in the hall!”

And Spock had taken no time to get away, as Jim screamed, “SUUULLLLLLUUUUU!”

Okay.

Not so professional.

Points two and three to Blake and zero Jim being professional.

“Do you think other Captains in the Fleet routinely set up crew games and pranks and even tamper with the environmental controls?”

“That was one timeand everyone admitted they liked it two days after!”

“What is your point, Doctor?”

She paused and Jim tensed knowing she’d be changing topics, “Do you two ever picture yourselves never being in contact with each other? If one of you were given a ship, or a career change. Perhaps just growing apart. Could you picture every day life without your friendship?”

The question threw Spock for a loop and Jim guessed she didn’t do this so much with him.

“Don’t answer just yet. Really think about it. I’ll see you both in three days. Tomorrow we’ll go by our regular schedule. Jim, you before Alpha Shift and Spock you after Beta Shift.”

 

 

 


	8. Friends; Through Thick and Really Fucking Thin

 

 

“Oh, my god!”

“Shut up, Bones.”

“No. No. This is priceless Jim _. Jim._ ”

Bones continued to laugh, “She’s... got you two... in...in couples counselling!”

“Don’t joke.” He said seriously and for once Bones dialled it down.

After like ten more minutes and Jim threatening to skip physicals.

“How long has he been going?”

Bones would know, mental health needs was something he had to document. Bones shrugged and didn’t comment until after ten minutes of Jim pressing him, “About as long as you.”

That completely shocked him.

“He was bonded too, you know. And he found you bleeding-out in the shower, I’m pretty sure I still need counselling from that.”

“Stop bringing it up.”

“You’re not better.”

Jim froze and so too did Bones.

Finally, the older man sighed and said, “I can see it you know. This act your putting up. It good. It’s really good kid. You got half the crew convinced.”

“Only half?” He asked quietly. He didn’t even try to argue with Bones, he knew it. They both did.

“The other half knows you too well. We all know you’re trying. You’ve come a long fucking way so far and I’m damned proud of the progress you are making. But it’s in your eyes. You’re guarded and sad and every time you look at Spock you look away right away. You keep a foot between you two at all times, when a year ago, you plastered yourself to his side…. You laugh… too loud, too.”

Jim rolled his eyes and downed his scotch. Pouring himself another one, he asked, “Anything else I should know?”

…

“He’s not better either.”

Jim slumped and took a few minutes to just not think about that. Bones let him breathe and soon Jim said, “I slept with someone. Random pick-up on our last mission.”

“I know. I did give you the I.G-STI shot.”

“There was protection.”

“Your point?”

Jim bit his lip before he took a gulp and with it still burning his throat he said, “It felt like I was cheating.”

Bones didn’t comment but his eyes never stopped looking sad.

 

 

 

When Jim and Spock got off Alpha shift they walked together for the first time to Helen’s haven of a room. They didn’t speak or even look at each other and none of the crew spoke to them. They sat down with a seat empty between them.

Helen greeted them and waited.

Finally, she asked, “Do you two ever picture life without the other, no communication, no contact at all?”

Even without speaking to each other, they answered at exactly the same time.

“No.”

“Yes.”

Spock snapped over to him so fast it startled hm.

The look on his face was unreadable. There was a flicker of shock, but behind it were more emotions that Jim didn’t get a moment to read because Spock shut down again and he had to give Helen props.

No Vulcan was meant for therapy.

Of any kind.

“You imagine life without any sort of communication to my person?”

 _Holy shit_.

Spock was angry. Really angry. That sharp, quiet tone was never really used against him. Even when Spock had been frustrated with him, irritated, Jim had now recognized just how patient Spock was because he had never heard Spock angry until Khan and then only ever angry when people were shooting at them. This was the enemy voice that everyone had long ago learned to fear.

It was soft, serious and Jim felt like his whole being was on a wire suspended hundreds of feet off a cliff. One wrong word and Spock would snap it.

“You don’t?”

That seemed impossible to him. After what Jim did last year, hell, they were in counselling for fuck sake! Him and Nyota still couldn’t relax around one another. He ruined so much of himself and those around him. He didn’t forget the first couple of months when he really thought dying might have been easier. It had brought him right back to his tenth birthday and a sharp knife.

Spock frowned, tensed and now Jim could see the hurt.

And hurting Spock wasn’t something he wanted. He moved towards the Vulcan just as Spock sharply stood and walked away to the window. He had his hands in front of him and was tense as a damned board.

“What about this bothers you, Spock?” Helen asked calmly and quietly.

If anything, Helen’s question only agitated him more.

Spock was so tense Jim felt if someone touched him they’d get cut. Or Spock would break into pieces.

He refused to answer and Jim was reminded of his first meetings.

Helen wasn’t going to let this go and Jim kept his mouth shut.

The following fifteen minutes were the hardest and most tense minutes in his life. And that was with those five minutes before Spock left him on the floor of his bedroom.

Jim could see the moment Spock thought of something big because he soon turned and looked him straight on and asked, “Are you planning on pushing me out of your life once we land on Terra? That you will simply move on like you have with previous associates?”

Jim’s heart pounded, his throat felt immediately dry and he gaped at Spock.

Panicking, eyes wide, he couldn't breathe properly, there was no air in the room and he couldn’t respond, “I mean…I just…”

Spock’s eyes widened and he went to march out and Jim had to jump over the couch to stop him.

“Wait!” 

“I see no reason to Captain. If you had stated this previously I would have deemed these meetings unnecessary. As any interaction between us will cease once we no longer are on this ship, I see no reason to keep up a personal interaction with you. I will, of course, be professional and hope that you too can-“

**“SHUT UP!”**

Jim was shaking, dots appearing in his vision, all he could see was the man in front of him and he lunged for Spock making the man tense and Helen rise.

But he didn’t attack, he stopped himself from completely launching himself at Spock but kept his hands gripped tight on Spock’s arms.

Spock was going to leave.

_Spock was going to LEAVE!_

The end.

THE.

**END.**

Just like when they were bonded, when he felt the wrenching, painful slice, the one that took out everything good and everything bright and colourful and perfect.

God, he felt so hollow, so alone, so empty.

He didn’t even know how he worked like this, never mind lived it.

Suddenly, Spock was holding him. Really holding him in a tight embrace. An embrace he hadn’t felt in lifetimes.

Jim tensed at the first hug between them in almost a year. It was only that shock that made him realize he was crying again.

Fuck.

_When did he become a goddamned crybaby?_

He stopped sobbing soon after he realized it but he couldn’t stop the shaking for the life of him. He was so pathetic. He was too weak. God, he was horrible.

He sniffed and after a couple minutes he managed to say, “I thought that would be easier. You’re going to bond to Nyota and have Vulcan babies and become an epic captain or scientist or diplomat or whatever. I just…I don’t think I’m staying in Star Fleet for the long-haul, Spock. I’m tired. I’m so tired.”

Spock’s already tight hold turned crushing but Jim just kept his breathing shallow, guiltily loving this.

Every part of Spock’s body was pressed against him, holding him, supporting him.

 _And Spock actually wanted him in his life._  The thought alone was enough to make him smile. 

Spock even grew angry at the thought of Jim walking away.

“I don’t even get why you want me in your life. Why?”

Spock slowly released him and slowly both sat back down.

Helen arched a beautiful dark brow at Spock and said, “Yes Spock. After all this, why do you want him in your life?”

Both men winced and Spock took his time replying.

“I…I know what we have been through has been…extreme. Jim was my first bondmate and as the saying is ‘my best friend’. Though we have known each other only a short period of time,” Spock glanced at Jim before quickly looking back at Helen, “I…I... need him.”

Jim’s breathed stopped and his heart literally fluttered, he thought that only happened in cartoons.

“How so?”

Spock didn’t want to answer.

Helen was literally prying this shit out of him.

Jim felt equally needy and selfish. There was no end to his demons. He wanted to demand answers from Spock and at the same time he wanted to just bask in what he just learned.

“Jim is…he is my buffer to the world. He has a way of passing every boundary I’ve ever made and doing so in such a way that instead of feeling violated or treated indifferently… he has instead done of the opposite. He hasn’t ever disrespected my cultural views or ways of being…it is more that he knows which are central and which have been erected for purposes of self-protection. Jim has never treated me as a human nor a Vulcan but somehow has always treated me…as an equal.

“After we bonded, I shielded our minds as I believed it would be less painful during the break.”

Jim sunk into the back seat wanting to suddenly disappear.

“I was wrong. It…it was the most painful experience I have ever endured.”

He had to blink back tears at just the memory of it, his heart in his throat. Had it not been for the two weeks of melding with healers, Jim didn’t know if he’d still be alive today.

It was then that he noticed the knowing look on Helen’s face and knew that Spock had already discussed this with her. Probably discussed it all, just like him.

Spock looked over at him and he could see the sincerity in those eyes he loved so much.

“I am sorry, Jim.”

His inhaled loudly at that and stilled as Spock continued, “I was angry. I was confused and hurt. I knew that you had feelings for me. I have known for a few years.”

Jim slowly let his eyes close and put his head in his hand. Years?

_Years._

He was such a fucking idiot.

“I was hurt that you did not care enough to allow my happiness with another. That was then and now it is me that, with further insight and a different perspective, I realize how much I myself have harmed you. I physically raped you, Jim.”

Jim was already shaking his head but Spock stopped him.

“What happened between us wasn’t consensual. On either of our parts. It was chaotic and harsh and driven by madness. It was not pleasant nor welcome.”

Jim couldn’t take anymore and with his head already in his hands he tried to muffle his sobs.

No pleasant.

Not welcome.

Driven by madness.

How could Spock have such a terrible view on what Jim kept thinking about? Kept wanting back?

Those harsh and terrible and madding days were the only ones he’d ever have with Spock…. couldn’t the man see how much they meant to him?

_And not pleasant._

Jim wanted to hit Spock, wanted to beat him, scream at him. It had been. For Jim, it had been the best sex he ever had. And that alone frightened him.

He curled in on himself and felt Spock move towards him.

Thankfully Helen took mercy on him and sat between them, blocking Spock and wrapping an arm over him. “Jim…”

Jim didn’t even have to look up in order to see that Spock was just as close to losing it. “I am sorry.”

Jim shook his head and wanted to scream that it was his fault. He wanted to shout and make it clear to Spock that he wouldn’t have done shit all if Jim hadn’t made that first move. Jim cornered him, Jim kissed him. Jim gave in to his own pathetic human emotions.

And Spock was such a better person than him because Jim would have transferred the moment the bond had broken.

And Spock still wanted him to be his fucking _friend_.

Jim had been preparing for life without Spock. Slowly but surely, he had been locking himself down, making plans for leaving Star Fleet and starting his own company.

He could do it, he knew he could. He’d comm Bones once a month, maybe twice if he was doing good. But he had been seriously making himself think of never hearing Spock correct him, of never being mentally challenged the way only Spock could ever do for him.

Never again going toe-to-toe with the man.

And now Spock wanted him there.

Could he do that?

What was worse?

A life without Spock and learning to happy on his own or with him and always seeing what he couldn't ever have?

Fuck.

 

 

 

 


	9. My Love For You Conquers All Demons

 

 

Sessions with Helen were both remarkable and fucking terrible.

And within two more, Jim and Spock were almost back to normal. Everyone noticed the sudden change.

Jim would be staying with Star Fleet. He knew Spock intended this for his career and Jim was going to see him through it.

He finally admitted to himself that there would be no miraculous moving on.

He had attempted to tell himself that for the better part of three years and now felt lighter having let it go. He also came to the realization that he couldn’t just have a relationship. His mind craved that bond, he knew he’d never really be fully happy with someone-even Spock-if they didn’t have that connection.

In a way, it was harsher loving someone and knowing they didn’t feel that way about you back.

Spock needed him the way he needed Bones. It was similar, so very similar that Jim had once thought maybe if he hadn’t been with Nyota they would have worked.

But Jim and Bones would never work like that. And he knew now that Jim and Spock wouldn’t either.

It was the most painful relief. An emotion he’d only felt when his mother and brother walked out of that room.

It gutted him further but he knew, wherever Spock needed him, he’d be there because the man would be there for him too.

He loved him, he’d do anything for him.

Even stay.

 

 

 

He woke up in the bio-bed in shock.

Fuck.  

He was alive.

Fuck. Shit. Fuck.

Bones looked so worn and tired, he knew he had been in terrible shape.

“You’ve been out two weeks and you’ll need a couple more before you’re up and going.”

He tried nodding but couldn’t.

Bones scared him and the man stared at him ashen faced as he quickly said, “It wasn’t me Jim. I swear, I never meant any of it. I am so sorry. So sorry. I swear it wasn’t true. None of it.”

Bones leaned down to embrace him and Jim cried.

 

 

It was suddenly a time-warp.

The whole ship was tense and awful and no-one looked at anyone else.

Sulu and Chekov refused to even glance up from their consoles.

Spock was suddenly a Master of Gol for all he gave off.

Scotty was all professional and had even shut down his brewery. 

Jim hated all of them.

He feared each and every person on this ship.

He missed them just as much.

Jim sat down heavily in the chair behind his desk, stared out at his empty room and sighed.

He was so tired every day but he needed to do something.

It’d been a few weeks now since the spore incident and the crew’s mutiny of him being ditched on a radiated planet (Spock’s clever idea of making him suffer doubly).

Bastard.

But more than that, more than him, the whole crew needed something.

Each had gone to friends and co-workers and everyone had cried and apologized but Jim could see the same doubt in their eyes as he saw in his own.

More than Bones’ cutting words and Helen posting his vids to the crew, of him being raped and tortured that the crew had laughed about and thrown in his face. More than the whole lot of them wanting to kill him….

It was Spock who haunted him.

Those couple of days before he really knew what was happening had been terrible.

Spock had at first been able to hold on to his anger but soon cutting remarks were thrown his way and when he realized what was happening it was already full-blown.

Spock took Captaincy from him, locked him the brig until he managed to escape then preceded to make the following hours of hide and seek the worst of his life.

Jim had only barely found a cure with the help of Star Fleet Medical back on Terra (thankfully telling them warnings before Chekov cut all feeds).

And he only just survived because Spock had actually turned around a whole hour before the gas spread across the ship.

He still didn’t know what made him do it.

Quickly, he booted up his PADD and brought up an all-crew message.

Typing slowly, he reworked it many times before finishing.

Inner-ship message;

_Stardate 2263.08.19_

T _o all crew members;_

_In the past four years of our journey I have had many amazing new experiences and have grown more than I could explain to anyone off this ship._

_From my experiences, I have come to three conclusions._

_The first and foremost is that I have somehow been graced with the most talented and deserving of crew. Each and every one of you have at one point exceeded my expectations of you. You have come to my aid, your friend’s aid and even those that you would rather wish you didn’t._

The memory of their taunting him, surrounding him, beating him suddenly flashed in his head and Jim had to brace himself.

It wasn’t them, they had been infected and the only reason he hadn’t was because he was immune. Luckily.

He probably would have just blown up the ship and everyone in it.

But it was still hard. Those thoughts had always been in his head and hearing them aloud from people he respected and loved. It burned.

He would never be able to forget it, he could ignore it, but he knew what would be lurking in his new nightmares now.

_The second conclusion I have made is that all of you have extremely high moral ideals._

_Now, I have tried these past few years to grind a little bit of them down and (you’re welcome) I have had some success. As you all know I’m a little ambiguous in this regard, like a certain someone on board I can also bend things to suit my needs and I do it quite well._

_That is where I have to thank all you._

_In truth, I could have been many things in life. An entrepreneur, CEO, politician, a mercenary, and perhaps even a pirate. I’ve given all above considerable thought at different points of my life and truly only after having become your captain had I actually ever truly thought about being a Captain._

_Don’t get me wrong, I worked fucking hard in the Academy._

_I wanted to be the best, I wanted each and every person in that organization to one day recognize my name not for my fathers sacrifice but for my own successes. Since all of you are now aware of my true records and details of my rather exotic childhood, I do not have to explain why I wished to excel so very badly._

_So, I am thanking all of you for being the people to argue with me. Being the people that question and confront and being brave enough to hold your superior back._

_Just because I am your captain does not mean that my decisions are always wise or correct. And you have no idea how incredibly courageous and good you all are for being able to recognize that with many of you only having served under my rather unique captaincy._

_And finally, I have come to a third conclusion and this is one that has taken many hours, every day for the past year for me to come to._

_It is that forgiveness for those you love come easy…or perhaps easier…than forgiving oneself._

_I will be the first to say that I have hurt many people throughout my life. Sometimes it had been through trying to protect myself, a self-a defense mechanism that I still have for those who push hard enough but other times I did want_ _others to hurt. I wanted to not be alone in my pain and I have intentionally-gravely-hurt people._

_There are many things in which I have done that don’t deserve to be forgiven and every day I do hold myself to those actions as well to the actions I make today, the good and the small and the great. I am also the first willing to cut off my own face in order to spare those I love._

_And as long as it has taken me to come to this conclusion it has taken me even longer to realize that neither is the answer._

_This mission went wrong._

_But unlike all those others we wish we could forget, this time the enemy we fought were ourselves._

_None of you hate one another._

_None of you truly want to hurt one another._

_Our ship is made perfect by our harmony, it is because of this very pure relationship of genuine trust and loyalty that the Enterprise is more of a family than a crew._

_All of you have given me my first glimpses at peace. Another thank you for that._

Jim did his best to remember it wasn’t them. Even if he’d still be haunted tonight and many nights to come.

Bones was his brother.

Sulu, Scotty, Nina, Chekov, Cupcake his friends.

His Crew respected him, admired him, liked hm.

Spock…

_What happened was something we could not have helped, none of you had control over yourselves and you cann_ _ot hold yourselves accountable for what you cannot control._

_This flora took out an entire civilization, people._ _You need to give yourselves some slack here because no one was killed and that is something astonishing and great._

Jim did his best not to remember the sunrise and the heat and the burning. They hadn’t been themselves.

They hadn’t been in control.

Spock hadn’t been in control.

He knew that and he needed his crew back. He loved them more than his fear of them.

_I want each of you to look at yourselves in the mirror and name five things that your proud of._

_Then I want you to truly see yourselves the way I see you._

_As good people._

_As my family that I care for and miss._

_And then do the impossible._

_And I know you can because you do it every time I tell you to._

_Forgive yourselves. I have._

_P.S. Crew Battle Ship will be played in floors 3-5 on Tuesday. I will torture those who do not come (unless you’re on shift then I want you down there after it)._

_Love you all, your amazing Captain; James T. Kirk_


	10. Let's Gather The Broken Peices To Start Fixing This Shit

 

 

“Are you planning on making a move on Spock?”

Jim could only gap at Nyota who had her arms crossed and stared at him with red eyes and a hard expression.

“What?”

“You know we broke up.”

“Yeah, but you seriously think I would do that?”

She gave him the same disbelieving look Bones had given him.

He clenched his jaw, his body heating up in anger. Keeping check of himself, he was her boss first. 

“Spock handed me the forms literally a day ago. First, you have to know when I’m in my sane mind I’m not a prick. I know I did you wrong and I know I hurt you. I’ll say it over and over like I’ve said it a thousand times already. I. Am. Sorry. Secondly, Spock has never once felt the same way about me. Ever. He loves you.”

Loved? Jim didn’t correct himself since he had no idea.

But apparently, the flora incident that no one was allowed to bring up had a major impact on Spock and Uhura.

Their break up was all over the ship. Spock was more tense then normal, Nyota was now on Beta shift (on her request) and Jim was completely blown backwards by it. 

Jim honestly couldn’t believe it. It went against all logic for him.

He had no idea how Nyota was doing and he had no right to even ask. 

Hell, this was the first conversation they actually had (out of work) in over a year. 

Nyota quickly wiped a tear away before she collected herself and blurted out emotionally, releasing something held in for too long; “We would have made it if not for you.”

Jim felt his throat close but he had nothing to say. It was the truth. The fact that it sounded like she didn’t mean to even say it, hurt.

Nyota was usually so sure of herself and confident that he was always shocked when she was anything less.

When Nyota surged into his arms, he winced still too sore even three weeks after it all but nevertheless, he clung onto her for the first time in over a year and refused to apologize for the first time just as long.

She didn’t notice nor care any longer.

 

 

 

“Are you sure?”

Jim groaned and snapped back, “Yes! Jesus, it’s fine.”

Helen looked right haggard.

For the first time, the forty-year-old looked her age. Her black hair was no longer in some crazy up-do and she no longer wore her make-up. Since releasing personal files on some of her patients (mostly Jim, since thankfully she didn’t think of it until the day the cure was released) she refused to work.

Helen wanted to quit and site unprofessional behaviour and breach of oath.

She’d never work again.

Only Jim’s hacking abilities made sure the Admiralty didn’t get the messages. And Jim was man enough to admit he needed these meetings.

Therapy was actually helping.

Honestly, it _astonished_ him.

Besides, he had to talk about Spock ignoring him with more than just Bones.

Bones was already back to his normal self since reading the comm message and already back to telling Jim to go away whenever he brought up the Vulcan.

“Jim, it is okay to feel betrayal. What I did, breaking your trust like that…”

Yeah, Jim did feel betrayed. But it was more targeted at everyone then just her.

She hit hard, harder than he cared to admit but he had to get over it. He had to.

Fuck, today he would look them all in the eyes. Homework.

No more stupid colouring books, puzzles, and other random shit.

Helen was here to fucking help him and after everything they had all been through, he knew more than just himself needed her now. He’d look her in the fucking eyes now, no matter how uncomfortable he felt, no matter how much it brought him back to Tarsus.

He wasn’t a boy any longer. He was a Captain on a teetering ship and he needed it back.

The only other option he had at this point was up and leaving everything…one way or another. He promised Selik he wouldn’t so he truly, literally, had no other option. No matter how much he wanted to. No matter it would be easier.

“Well then, who else could I talk to about these conflicting and rather confusing emotions? About my continuing depression, my anxiety? Nightmares? Self-esteem and trust issues?” He asked lightly.

She sighed and slowly, grudgingly said, “I dare say not Doctor McCoy.”

Jim shrugged and then seriously said, “The whole crew looks at me differently now.”

She winced.

Yeah, showing seven-year old him to eleven-year old him being viciously abused had done a number on his crew.

They all looked as if he’d break in front of him. He no longer had any bad-ass imagery with them. And the flashbacks were seriously killing him. He was back to the same feelings he had a year ago. Albeit, he had more strategies dealing with his self-hatred and he knew rationally no one, not even Helen, were in control of themselves. 

“And Spock still won’t speak to me. And he’s still sending daily reports on himself. The man wants to be like…imprisoned or something for what he did.”

“You do realize if we had been even two minutes later, Doctor McCoy wouldn’t have been able to resuscitate you. As it was, we had to beam you out of there from halfway around the system.”

Jim shrugged nonchalantly and said, “Who cares, I’m out and I’ve just been cleared for field work again.”

Helen pointed a finger at him and said, “Just been cleared. It’s been four weeks since that incident and only now are you back in perfect health. I don’t think you understand just how severe your condition was. If not for being so near the best outfitted medical labs, you’d have been paralyzed or even worse. Even if another ship had beamed you out, I doubt they would have had the resources to help you so very quickly.”

No they wouldn’t.

Bones had nearly died when they had met an alien race three months ago that was all about medicine. And having been wary, it hadn’t been Jim or Spock who won them over (being more on the warrior side of their customs and therefore looked down upon) it had been Bones.

And Bones had been gifted with several more advanced technologies than any other ship in Fleet or even Terra-side.

He was still sending Star Fleet reports about new findings in all the different ways he can use them. It was like Bones’ wet dream and Christmas seeing how much he loved it.

Jim always felt amused and stupid watching the glee on the older man’s face whenever he went into Med Bay now.

It was only the new scanner bio-bed than had saved him in the first place. He healed months in a mere matter of days.

Not to mention, he needed to speak more on his whole-dying and coming back bit. It was giving him a complex. 

But still.

Spock wasn’t talking to him and they had only just gone back to normal.

They needed to solve this.

 

 


	11. We're Not Breaking Up Over Fucking Pollen

 

The next day Helen had somehow gotten Spock to join once again in their common sessions.

Jim ignored Helen and was the first to speak, looking directly at Spock, “What the hell? You need to start talking to me again. I can’t do this shit all over again, Spock. We’ve got just over a year left and I’m telling you I can’t.”

Spock looked over at him, guarded and opened his mouth as if to say something but then shut it again.

Spock looked over at Helen who Jim noticed was frowning. Everyone was quiet for a couple minutes until Jim threw up his hands, too agitated.

“Spock!”

...

“I killed you.”

“You weren’t you.”

Spock finally looked at him and Jim knew exactly what he was thinking about. That last day. The kiss. How Spock had snapped out of it for just a few moments.

He looked away once again.

“Spock, why do you feel so guilty?”

Jim drew his attention to Helen as Spock frowned.

“Many of the crew have started to move on. Even Cadet Mira. Why are you holding yourself so accountable?”

Jim winced at Grace Mira’s mention. Her boyfriend had almost raped her ( would have if not cured in time) and he beat her pretty badly. He actually locked himself in the brig until Mira finally made him come out.

Thankfully, she wasn’t pressing charges, nor anyone else and they could all move pass it. And she had made a very public yelling match in the mess yesterday, after his meeting with Helen, telling him she wasn’t putting off the wedding and that he’d be there even she had to drag him.

He really didn’t think that a tiny thing like her could look so scary, especially since she was always so nice to everyone.

Somehow, that had actually settled the crew even more. And many more looked relaxed today.

Except, apparently, Spock.

“I targeted Jim. Our Captain. Not only did I beat him, insult him, gain pleasure over his fears… I planned…I planned his death.” Spock had to take a second to compose himself having just said that.

“I marooned Jim on a radiated planet and he died. He was dead for four point three minutes when we beamed him aboard. The fact that he is alive is a miracle.”

“Now that you mention it, I do have a new fear of the word radiated.”

Spock glared at him, not at all getting the joke and glared harder at Jim’s growing grin.

“Okay, okay. Still too fresh. What you did was terrible. I’m not going lie, it’s the stuff that gives me nightmares but it wasn’t you. We both know that. And technically we were all lucky to have you on board.”

Spock frowned and Helen tilted her head thoughtfully.

“Yes,” she said, “We actually really were.”

“I do not understand.”

“Your Vulcan zen saved the ship. Your anger kind of eclipsed everyone else’s and you stopped I don’t know how many murders taking place. Everyone obeyed you.”

“You caused fear in people only feeling anger,” Helen explained better.

Spock stiffened but Jim could see him processing that.

“In fact, I believe we have to thank your Vulcan biology for the saving of the ship.”

“It was my Vulcan emotions that, as you say, eclipsed all others. I was…monstrous.”

Jim wanted to hug Spock, comfort him, he looked too small for how proud and tall the man was normally.

It was also kind of the truth, Jim thought wincing.

Spock had stalked him with a single-minded, cold viciousness. It frightened him whenever he thought of it. Savage-Spock wasn’t romantic at all.

“No,” Jim turned to look to Helen as she said calmly, “The crew were all effected except for Jim. All of us turned on our loved ones and then our friends. Those closest to us got the blunt of our anger. I targeted Jim because of anyone else on board I connect most with him.”

Jim nodded. Yeah, they got each other alright. They even hung out sometimes just to hang out when she wasn’t too much of a ‘therapist’. The girl at least could hold her liquor and that was always a bonus with him. (She didn’t even give him lectures like Bones).

“Brand went after Mira. Doctor McCoy went after Jim and Carol. All over the ship people targeted those they loved. You however, are unique. Being a Vulcan you do not make relationships in the way humans do. You were able to see each person on this ship as needed not as crew themselves but as tools. I spoke to several people those couple of days, tensely but not negatively. I’m not close to them and therefore for a short period of time I posed no threat to them nor they to me.”

“You alone kept everything running smoothly,” Jim said and finally Spock looked back at him.

He nodded and edging closer and asked, “Can you please let it go now? I’m okay. I swear.”

Jim could see the debate going on and settled in for a long silence. He wasn’t wrong and after a few long minutes Spock surprised him by asking, “Are you frightened of me?”

Caught off guard, Jim frowned and said, “No,” so quickly both of them were surprised.

Spock glanced down before quickly looking back at him. “Do you trust me?”

“With my life.”

“Do you trust me not to hurt you once again?”

Jim opened his mouth to say yes when his voice got caught in his throat. He ended up gasping quietly and both of them froze.

Spock nodded, more stiffly this time and he spoke quietly, “I see.”

“No, Spock, it’s not that.”

Only it kind of was.

Jim wasn’t lying when he said he’d had nightmares the past couple of weeks. Spock had targeted him. None of the crew had been hunted on the ship in such a cold and ruthless way either.

Everyone had feared the Vulcan and promptly left Jim to his mercy. In a way that had been a mercy. No one had witnessed his true humiliation in the fucking science labs nor his fear. Spock had known exactly what to say, exactly what to do to hurt him. And even if he logically knew it wasn’t true, a small part of them thought that a little bit of it was.

After all, what Spock and Bones had said were his own thoughts thrown back at him. That he was a terrible captain. That he was a winy, needy, clingy little boy who needed so much, too much of everything. That he was foolish, stupid and just plain insane for thinking Spock could ever want him. He was dirty, used, pathetically tossed around like an unwanted thing.

That stayed with him.

THING, god that hurt. That brought him right back an he had tripped up, stumbled, gotten caught on that corridor.

Luckily, he had already planted the disks in the vents when Spock turned the corner. Just the sight of him sent his heart race. He feared that graceful walk, the narrowing of those eyes, the tilt of his lips.

Spock had looked irritated already but his eyes had lit up, narrowed, targeted.

“Why hello, little Thing, I’ve been looking for you,” and before he could move more than a few steps, Spock had caught up to him, grabbed him from behind and slammed him into the wall.

The force of the hit made his chest tighten, his breath coming out in a choked gasp. His hands were pinned before he knew it and as the black dots finally cleared, pain slammed into his abdomen and head.

Spock had hit him, punch him, and his head had smacked back into the wall in reaction before he could even process it. He looked into those eyes and saw none of Spock. They were full of emotion with no walls or cages. They were cruel and predatory.

And looking into them for the first time in two days, as everything had devolved around him, he knew he faced his own no-win scenario.

He would never harm his crew, never kill them even if it meant surviving.

And if he didn’t, Spock would kill him.

So knowing he was going to die, bruised, cut, with a few bruised bones from the crew earlier, he gave up and gave in and jerking with all his might, he managed to reach Spock and press his lips harshly to those soft tinted green ones.

And god that kiss had been amazing.

At first Spock bit his bottom lip harshly then licked the blood that weld up. Sucked, moved his mouth in time with Jim, molded, caressed, _melted_.

Spock pressed himself to his body, their tongues tasted each other with a needy, greedy, and possessive passion that he never knew nor would again.

His body arched, pain slowly faded to the background as desire deep down rose up to fill every inch of his being.

He felt those cool fingers inching up slowly caressing over his wrists then his palms and slowly, intimately and fucking perfectly, those tingles shot right into his fingers where they went down his arms and right to the base of his fucking spine.

He got hard, felt Spock’s own dick respond and still Spock refused to let up, refused to stop kissing him and his chest tightened, needing air but being too scared to stop.

It was then that Spock bucked into him that caused him to let out a low moan.

And just like that it had been broken and where Spock had just excitingly rubbed he now kneed him fucking hard.

All his breath, which he had hurriedly just sucked in, vanished.

Pain shot through his whole body as his feet gave out and he collapsed, Spock letting him go.

Breathing ragged, curled in on himself, Jim barely caught Spock catching his own breath but he heard those words he spoke, “You are ever surprising, Captain,” Spock sneered. “You honestly think I would fuck you? I’ve already had you and found you quite lacking. I was pondering raping you, seeing those videos of you,” Spock whispered coldly, crouching, letting his fingers slide gently down his spine.

Jim hadn’t dared move, trembling in pain and fear.

“You’ve already been broken for me.” Spock grabbed his hair tightly, yanking his head up and he yelped then cursed.

“But I won’t touch a used pet. You’re beneath me in every way.” Spock whispered into his ear before purposely nibbling on his earlobe.

Jim had laid there, had let the hits come after that and was dragged to the transporter room.

Spock finished it by telling him to die alone. 

Then, he had had laughed.

Really laughed.

Humanly _laughed_ , and it had jolted Jim because the very first time and most likely the last time he would hear that rich, lovely sound and it had been cruel.

That laugh had been harsh and amused and satisfied. And completely meant to hurt him.

Jim, one eye fuzzily taking in that figure, the other swollen shut, hurt and bleeding on the ground at Spock’s feet had soaked Spock in, knowing it was over. He eyed his First Officer and tried to memorize every inch.

Spock had been truly beautiful, laughing, if cold and untouchable.

“Jim,” Helen’s voice brought him back, “why don’t you tell Spock what you told me yesterday?”

Jim winced and said, “We usually leave our individual shit alone. You never ask Spock to share.” Even Jim knew he sounded like a five-year-old.

Spock glanced over at him curiously, still looking a little wounded and Jim sighed, talking slowly. “I’m just as affected as every one else of the ship Spock. I knew throughout those days that you lot weren’t yourselves but what happened…it was all my nightmares and all my fears flung back at me.”

“That is just it.” Spock held his attention as he continued, “Jim, that flora turned emotional connections into oppositional and equally-negative emotions. I know what you fear and under normal circumstance I would never use that against you. But fears are not logical, there is no truth in them. What I said to you, what the others said, have no bearing on truth, they live only in your mind.”

Jim bit his lip, frowning. All lies tended to have a bit of truth in them though, didn’t they? He shook his head and made himself stop thinking of it. 

“Yeah, well… you did hurt me. I was, am, hurt. I…it’s going to take me awhile to really grasp what I’ve been telling everyone. You know me well enough to know that I’ve got a shit self-esteem issues I’m working on… But the point is that we’re friends and we’ve survived too much shit for us to toss in the towel over fucking pollen. I know logically that you didn't mean any of it. I know my crew didn't either. So if what you said is really true, it means you can't hold yourself to that standard. I'm not...I know I can trust you, it'll just take a little longer for my brain to wrap around this shit. You know that. I know that. The whole ship knows this....C'mon, Spock. Pollen, Spock. Pollen. We're going to let a flower do this?”

That got a twitch of a smile from him, so Jim viewed it as a win.

 

 


	12. Sometimes There Are No Good People; Just People

 

The whole senior crew were tensed.

Everyone was in shock.

It wasn’t happening.

_Tell him it wasn’t happening._

Fury ignited in him.

Fury, hurt, betrayal.

Pain.

“You want the Enterprise to play the good no-opinion-on-politics guys? You want to use my ship, my crew in some fucked up game of intergalactic clean up? Make all of you look like the good guys again?”

His crew were furious.

He was furious.

He wanted to tell them to go fuck themselves and then resign. Only he promised Selik and Spock he’d stay.

It was Spock, however, that surprised everyone, he stood so quickly he shocked everyone and in a hard, firm tone said, “No! The Enterprise declines this… _request_ of yours. You will call the U.S.S Vengeance in which will be in the area in three point two-five weeks.”

The way Spock hissed that out sent a shiver down his spine and Jim did his best to hide his fear/happiness/desire and still leftover shock and anger and shame.

God, so much shame.

But he knew what he had to do. He focussed on all his bad and ugly emotions and tried to shift.

What was real?

What was rational and what did he need to do in this moment?

He gave himself a few seconds even with his heart racing and his stomach plummeting.

He stood too and overwhelmed, he clamped a hand on Spock’s shoulder and squeezed hard.

Spock glanced over at him, Jim could see the glint in his eyes-the anger there and Spock read him as easily as before.

It took just a second, Jim didn’t even know what he was expressing for Spock to figure it out or maybe Spock was just getting better at connecting human ambiguous dots. Spock’s eyes widened just slightly showing how much shock he was really experiencing and Spock turned full throttle to the Admirals all gathered on the screen.

“You know…you’ve known…” Spock shook his head, astounded.

Yeah, things worked a lot differently on New Vulcan then on Terra.

“Lieutenant Spock, all the men involved were found innocent by the court of law. They have all agreed to cease Star Fleet careers and have taken retirement. We have to follow court rulings.” The Admiral didn’t sound happy about it either, Jim was glad to note.

Scotty and Uhura looked like they were going to be sick.

Bones, Sulu and Checkov looked like they were planning mass murder.

Jim needed to interrupt but Spock did it first, “How long have you all known that pedophiles and rapists were in your high command?” The amount of condemnation in his tone made each person gathered wince.

That same tone always, without margin, made Jim feel small whenever Spock used it against him.

“Commander-”

“There was no Vulcan meld nor Betazed read. It was a mere day away from the time the men found innocent," Spock hissed, "Had it been done in due course-"

"They did not accept a read," Admiral Johnson said, "We do not operate like a Vulcan curt, Mr. Spock. Humans do not fare well under mental examination and it is only used in extreme cases."

Spock looked ready to hit something, considering his own mother was human and had done more than ' well' under a bond.

Nevertheless, Spock countered, "Captain Kirk has eleven point-four hours of documented evidence against each of those men now free from the law.” Spock stopped and braced himself further.

“Spock-” Jim tried to interrupt but Spock was angry.

And an angry Spock was terrible to stop when he had something to lash out at.

“You have known for quite some time. It would explain the fact that all three men were grounded. Including a captain who had less than a year in the field. And these men were still sitting amongst you when James signed into the Academy eight years ago. From the time of his childhood until his enrollment would mean you’ve known about rumours at the very least for approximately fourteen years and did _nothing_.”

Jim winced and tried his best not to think about it.

“How is this possible?”

Jim sighed as some of the Admirals completely wilted, others grew defensive and angry, while still some truly hadn’t known and looked sick themselves.

“Spock, quiet.”

Spock angrily looked at him but Jim grew stern.

It still took him a minute to actually confront his bosses and when he did, he thought of what Helen would tell him.

He decided for once when talking to them to actually be a hundred percent honest.

It never would have happened prior unless he had been talking to Pike.

“I know some of you have found this to be a horrible and astonishing discovery. The fact that you allowed three men of your own organization to be free to torture, rape and completely violate and harm children is not something anyone truly forgives themselves for.... There were obstacles of course, laws and hurdles and rings you had to jump through to even get close to them. After all, Ericson, Hawkson and Baker are extremely important and powerful men. Each own empires of untold billions of credits.

“I understand that. I understand that it was and is an impossible situation. There have rumors for years but no victims stepped forward until now. I understood that Star Fleet wasn’t on my side a very long time ago.

"Admiral Archer, I know this always bothered you, how completely untrusting I was to the organization I would one day dedicate myself to as a captain. The thing is, I don’t trust you. I never will. I don’t trust you to have my back when you’re pressed against the wall.

“I trusted the police officers when I was nine when my own mother didn’t believe me. I trusted the social worker when I was eleven. Instead of ever seeing a courtroom, I got a very special treatment centre on the paradise planet of Tarsus IV.”

Some of the Admirals, Archer included, now looked shocked and horrified.

Others refused to look at him, guilt on their faces.

“I get that my documentation is no longer valid since it’s been so long. I get that the prosecutor was some unknown commoner and that the children’s families all suddenly became rich. The thing is, I was never wide-eyed. I know it’s bothered all of you, itched at you guys. The people who join Star Fleet are geniuses and if they’re not wanting to get into the best careers and the best research; they’re dreamers. They’re people and beings who stare at the stars in awe and wonder and want to jump blindly into the unknown.

“I’ve jumped into the unknown and I’ve felt wonder out here in the stars. But wonder with you?... No. You’re not gods or heroes. None of us are, you’re just men and women doing your jobs, it’s really, truly nothing more and it irks you that I know this. I didn’t join Star Fleet for adventure. I didn’t join because I wanted to be shinny and new and be the hero that you use shamelessly. I joined because of Christopher Pike. He dared me to be a better man. And he dared me to make this Star Fleet, the Star Fleet that took my life from me, better. So that what happened to me wouldn’t ever happen to anyone else.

“That was my dare. Not just to change from MACO’s executioner to my own man but to change all of you as well.”

Jim swallowed and shook his head.

A whole lot of negative emotions were swirling in his gut. Too many.

“I wanted a career where I didn’t have to kill people to feel. And god, you would not believe how good I was at that. You all know my bank account and you know what classified means with MACO, what I did for them. Truth be told, for a long while I liked being with MACO, liked what I did and how good I was at it. But being with Star Fleet was supposed to be better, somewhere I didn’t have to cut pieces of me out to get the job done. I got that, so thank you.

"But Admirals, I suggest you take this very seriously; if I decide not to quit, if you ever use my crew and my ship in one of your games again... I will take you apart.”

Jim paused letting them know he was dead serious.

This wasn’t Captain Jim-Go-Lucky talking.

This James-Shadow-229-the one who would cross galaxies to get what he was after. The one who was worth millions of credits by the time he was eighteen-all of it soaked in blood. The man who cheated death time and time again and took life so easily he had gained infamy by the time he reached voting age.

“If you ever do something so god damned evil again…I swear I will destroy everything you’ve ever built and if I have to take apart the security of the entire Federation to do it; I will.” No one spoke.

Jim nodded and then said, “You may tell Adam that we will be arriving at oh-eight hundred tomorrow morning. He and the other guests will be confined to their rooms for their own safety and at your request will be dropped off on Elixir when we pass the planet.”

Before they could speak, he turned off the feeds and dropped to his chair.

The whole crew started protesting and Jim closed his eyes before snapping them open, ignoring everyone and walking out.

He needed a good bottle of Scotch and for the first time in a long time just needed to block everything out.

 

 

 

He couldn’t make his body move.

Fear kept him in his bed, stiff, curled up into himself, half under his blanket, shivering and barely holding on.

Suddenly, there was a dip in the bed and Jim startled. His whole body tensed, ready to attack.

Spock put a hand on his chest and Jim gasped in relief.

“It is okay Jim. It is just me,” Spock said soothingly. He panted before quickly catching his breath and did his best to hold himself together.

He had to work.

He had goals; go to work, act normal, know that he was safe and in control.

Going to work would keep him busy, give him routine and comfort.

Acting normal would put his crew at ease and then in effect give him ease. Also, he kind of just wanted to lie about it too.

He was safe and in control and he repeated it over and over in head. Thoughts, memories and emotions kept popping up in the way and he tried his best to focus like Helen taught him. He had to get up and not give those bastards the satisfaction of affecting him. It had been almost two decades and he was no longer defenceless, no longer weak. He wasn’t that little boy anymore.

“Do you wish me to call Doctor McCoy?”

Only then did he realize that he was warm for the first time since he got the news.

Spock’s hands were on him. One was in his hair, the other rubbing his back and Spock was leaning into him, supporting him. Jim shook his head. “No,” he said roughly.

Spock nodded.

Neither spoke for a long time.

Jim was so emotionally battered, he barely took any sort of pleasure from having Spock touch him so freely.

It was a long, long while until Jim felt the warmth of those hands seeped into his skin. Spock didn’t move or fidget, he kept his hands slow and gentle as they caressed in soothing circles. Jim blinked, noticing then that his eyes were dry and his breathing was normal.

His fear, anxiety and hate slowly slid to the background though still was there. He took deep breathes, allowed his overly-tense body to slowly let go and relax. It took an agonizing amount of time to do so. 

His head was in Spock’s lap, weirdly comfortable being curled around the man. Spock was half facing him, one hand lazily and comfortably sliding over his shoulder, the other was rubbing gently on his scalp, the fingers playing with his hair every now and then. Jim’s hands had found their way around Spock somehow, clutching into the man’s side.

Suddenly, Jim was struck by the intimate scene they had made. And that was when he paid attention to Spock’s hands, his deep breathing, the feel of the cool skin against his own, the muscled leg his head was perched on.

Jim closed his eyes as his longing suddenly lurched up. This would be the moment they would kiss if they were together. This was the closest he’d been to Spock in almost a year and a half, besides…well...the corridor and he hated thinking of it.

Spock, ever so gently; almost a butterfly touch, ran his fingers over Jim’s ear.

Jim’s breath hitched and he looked up at Spock. His face was calm but his eyes were caramel brown, that one colour that always warmed up and showed the world how content Spock was given the moment.

This…this was them.

It hit him then, for the very first time in such a long time, they were back to normal.

Right this moment, there were no walls or issues, or questions. They were finally back to just Jim and Spock.

Spock, here, supporting him, making sure he was all right.

And Jim…he truly, magnificently, completely trusted Spock.

It finally slid into place, surprising him with the truth. He trusted him to always be there, to always have his back.

Most of all, he trusted him not to walk away.

He hadn’t.

Not once.

Sure, he broke the bond but it was never supposed to be there.

And since then, he had been trying desperately to get them back, to get Jim back. He blamed himself for over a month for the pore incident, him, his crew all still looked sad, regretful.

And Jim finally, finally knew they didn’t mean it.

Spock didn’t mean it.

This was what they had fought for.

Trust.

It was Jim’s great fault that it only made him fall in love with Spock all the more.

Jim took in a deep, shuddering breath and lurched up. His muscles, tense after having been in one position for so long, protested, but he ignored it all and hugged his best friend.

“Thank you,” he said truly meaning it.

Spock didn’t hesitate to hug him back and replied with equal measure, “There is no thanks needed. I will not allow you to come to any more harm from them, James.”

Jim held in a shiver at that. They both knew it was a guilty pleasure to hear Spock say his full name.

He smiled though, knowing without any doubts, finally; _Spock meant every word_.

It was no longer a belief; it was a fucking fact and Jim smiled forgetting all his demons if only for a moment. 

 

 


	13. We All Agree Spock Is A MotherFucker Bad Ass, Right? Right.

 

 

This was it.

He had made it, six whole days, six too long nights, too many hours, and yet no one was dead on his ship.

No one was attacked.

A whole week and not one incident. Though it helped that they hadn’t left their rooms.

He refused to lie to himself. He refused to cower.

He fantasied about killing these men for years. He wanted nothing more than to see them all suffer. He didn’t hide his hatred. His disgust. He wanted them off his ship and off his territory but god knew what waited some poor soul when they left.

Jim was officially an accomplice. And that alone gutted him.

The only comfort was the coming together of his crew. This had finally, utterly, erased the spore incident.

This week had been nothing but supportive, from Ensigns to Lieutenants. Even Nyota had finally asked to be back on Alpha shift, while not totally back to herself, she had finally, _finally_ given him a little smile. And it had actually made the past three days easier, if not the nights.

He hadn’t even known how much he missed her.

This morning she even joked with him and Sulu and it had been fucking GREAT for like five minutes straight. Her laugh was dearly missed on the bridge.

God, she really was one of the best people he ever met.

And now today he finally was going to see the back of those men, hold his own, look them in the eye for the first time and tell them to fucking die. 

 

 

 

Spock came awake, oddly enough, after him.

Blinking slowly, he let out a breath and stared at him. Waking up like this, he hated not being able to cherish it but he was too conflicted. It was the whole reason Spock spent the night on the couch. His nightmares had gotten to the point that he hadn’t slept.

Figures, that with Spock in the room he drifted off.

And while last night he had felt safe and protected, now he felt sick.

Star Fleet was making him do this.

The good guys were cleaning their hands. Again.

He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to forgive them or himself.

Hero fucking Jim.

“Hush, Jim. It will be okay.” Spock said, uncharacteristically unwilling to get up, looking at him from a just a few feet away, eyes warm, relaxed.

Jim shut his eyes and shook his head, he felt Adam then closer than he had in years, he saw him smile and heard the laughing of all the men watching. He remembered the cage they placed him in, the slicing of the knives against his skin, the stinging-burning pain as they thrust into him. His mother walking away. His step-father grinning as he counted his credits.

Somewhere, right now, Adam had his next favorite lined up. Hopeless, defenceless, soon to become apathic. Hollow.

It had taken so many years for him to build himself. Most of it was because of MACO and he gave them a lot of credit for shaping him.

Killing people, becoming the best assassin this side of the galaxy had made him feel strong, in control at least for awhile. Even if it came with a totally different cost. He had needed that at the time until he started to unhinge and crack. He felt lonely, and more than that he felt fragile, like his whole being was nothing more than a shell and would shatter.

And he finally found that he wasn’t satisfied or excited by a kill any longer. No matter how much they deserved it and he wasn’t sorry for them, some people didn’t deserve to live; it didn’t matter what others thought.

It was the cold, hard truth.

Monsters were very much real.

Only the naïve or the innocent thought otherwise.

The fact that he had once been excited now seemed like a dream, like another reality of a stranger that had been pretending to him. He once wanted to be like everyone else…just normal. Not better or more or even noticeable.

He had wanted a sense of self, of being alive and wanted. Needed and loved. He had wanted a friend. Just one. For the very first time in his life he wanted someone who wouldn’t hurt him, use him or betray him. Just one person. Even for a little while because even if it didn’t last at least he could say he experienced it.

And Bones stepped into his life. Normal. Caring. Genuine. And god damned, the man was his friend. Jim would never let that go.

And now he had Spock. The man who knew him as good, if not better, then Bones.

Jim looked over at him from the bed and asked, “If I told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?”

Spock arched a brow, very much more awake than he was, even if Jim was up longer.

The look Spock gave him was priceless and before Jim knew it, the man’s brows drew together and he said, “What are the circumstances of this scenario?”

The unspoken ‘most-likely’ made Jim burst out laughing hysterically, letting out all his conflicting emotions.

 

 

 

Spock was right beside him as they walked with Adam Ericson, Linden Baker and Jax Richards to the transporter room.

All the while, he could feel the eyes of men boring into his back, as if waiting for him to strike.

He wanted to.

God, he could kill them all now and be done with it.

His career felt foreign to him in the moment. With this mission given to him, he felt as if he was a stranger to Star Fleet. Only the thought of leaving Bones and Spock kept him from quitting. Even Spock looked as if he were done with these trespassers for a moment before becoming stone-faced.

“The transporter will beam you down immediately.” Spock said with finality.

Adam rolled his eyes but eyed the transporter with suspicion as they stepped onto it. “You do realize, if there is some kind of malfunction, you will not be able to get out of it so very nicely.”

“I think you overestimate your importance,” Jim said before snapping, “This is my ship and I want you gone. So, fuck off and beam down.”

Linden actually laughed and they seemed to trust it more.

Jim turned to Scotty who was at the controls and snapped out, “Beam them down.”

Scotty frowned and said, “I am trying Captain.” Jim felt his stomach drop.

“Scotty-”

“It seems, Captain, that there’s a malfunction and it is not working.” Scotty looked green and Jim felt as if he were going to explode.

The older man genuinely looked upset though. It was Spock who stepped in and asked with a tinge of irritation and worry, “How long will it take to fix?”

Scotty shook his head and said, “I don’t know where the problem is, Sir, I’d have to dismantle it. A day or two?”

Jim shut his eyes and tried his best to blot those men out. It didn’t work.

“If you’re-” Adam started but Spock cut him off firmly, “Follow me.”

Jim snapped his eyes open and Spock was already marching out of the room.

He, too, looked angry.

Jim followed with the three men grumbling behind him.

“What’s going on?” Jax asked in his gravely voice that went right down his spine in all the wrong way.

Spock was stiff as they got onto the lift.

Jim put his back to the wall and Spock pressed into his side, blocking the three other men from him.

“As we are not willing to delay our departure, you will be instead sent down to the planet with a shuttle. We will have a pilot go down with you in good faith of a successful landing.”

Jim tensed. This whole time they had been locked in their chambers and Jim had forbade anyone to alone with them and Spock was just offering someone up to the platter?

“Spock-” Jim snapped but Spock as unmoving.

“Sulu is our best pilot and is armed. I suggest you do your best not to anger him. As you said, Adam, accidents can happen.”

Damn, he forgot how scary Spock was when he was (not) threatening someone.

_Fuck, Sulu._

Fuck.

Jim watched as the three men got onto shuttle thirty-two and Sulu clapped him on his shoulder, looking upset but determined.

“Don’t worry, Captain. Half hour and we’ll be done with all of this," the pilot said with grim determination

. Jim felt instant hatred, guilt, fear, shame and half wanted to go with them and half wanted to pretend none of this was happening.

“I believe we are needed on our shifts, Captain.” Spock said as they started take off.

Yeah, he was right. He watched still though, until the hanger door closed behind the shuttle and the force field came down again.

Jim felt weight press down on his shoulders and he took a deep breath before nodding, “Yeah, c’mon.”

When they entered the bridge, everyone looked at him. Some concerned and more than a few relieved but still upset.

He felt Spock brush against his back comforting and he nodded at the Vulcan before taking his seat.

He busied himself with his PADD and his paperwork, trying not to fidget and turning his attention to the not-so-discreetly turned screen on Chekov’s side monitoring the shuttle.

Turned _precisely_ so that he could see it without needing to twist his body.

He had the fucking best crew.

No wonder so many people tried poaching them. He would. 

Sulu’s bio-tracker was okay.

Heart rate normal, blood pressure normal. Everything was going good. He'd be back within twenty minutes and Jim already ordered that they warp away immediately instead of having shore leave now. No one complained about the two week postponing. Nexus Dane had better weather away, he thought, Sulu would like the Seven Gardens. 

Jim made a plan to invite him there. 

Nyota nodded over to him slightly when he glanced over, keeping close track of Sulu’s comm.

Not three minutes later, Sulu’s comm was suddenly activated. “Sulu to bridge,” Sulu’s voice rang out.

Nyota turned to him and Jim straightened tensed and terrified.

“Bridge here. Su-lu?” Jim winced at the break in his voice.

“I’m getting strange readings, Sir,” Sulu said calmly.

Checkov, even more concerned than Jim, jumped up and ran over to Nyota’s console.

In a flash, Sulu’s face appeared on their screen and in the background the three others turned to look at them.

“What’s wrong?” Jim asked just when Sulu’s eyes widened.

A flash of white blacked out the screen and suddenly, Sulu was in front of him.

“Holy shit,” Jim said at the same time as Sulu, jumping in his seat with shock.

“Captain,” Spock said calmly and a little too doe-like, “It appears that the transporter is now online, if unpredictable.”

Jim snapped over to Spock who looked over at him innocently.

“What the hell is going on?” Adam barked as alarms started to go off in the shuttle. He unbuckled and quickly took Sulu’s vacant spot.

“Sir, the shuttle isn’t on auto-pilot,” Sulu said as he scrambled for his spot at his console.

Jim nodded and frowned at the screen.

“You fucking, piece of shit! You planned this!”

Jim hid his smile under his hand and shook his head, eyes wide, heart pounding, shocked.

“Actually, for once, I had no idea.”

“Beam us out of here!” Linden cried as Spock stood to stand beside him.

“Actually, Sirs, I would highly warn you against that, our transporter is not working properly at this time and beaming you out would endanger this ship as we may accidently beam your descending shuttle with you. Statistically speaking, it has an eighty-seven point five-three chances of happening at the current time.”

“You just fucking beamed out your pilot!” Adam and Jax snarled.

“On the contrary, we did not do that, it seems that we are having technical issues at the present moment. Our engineer must have accidently beamed him aboard.”

“So, you’re planning to killing us in a shuttle crash!” Adam roared as he tried gaining control of the now whistling and whining ship.

“Of course not,” Spock replied for him and Jim was honestly growing more shocked and impressed as the seconds went by.

His heart was pounding as he stared at Spock. The world began to narrow down to the Vulcan beside him and the view screen. 

This was happening. Holy fucking hell, this was fucking _happening_.

He couldn’t take his eyes off the calm Vulcan.

Cold, calculating and pure Vulcan.

“You will die from the entering of the atmosphere of the planet since it seemed the shuttle itself is malfunctioning. On behalf of Star Fleet, I will apologize for this unintended accident. Due to the amount of warnings in the system, it will take us fifteen-point two-three minutes to fix. As it is, you will enter the atmosphere in seven-point four minutes.” Spock’s voice was so fucking even it was remarkable.

Holy shit he was sexy.

Like deadly. Dark. God. Sexy. Devil Sexy.

Definitely some bad in there.

Linden and Jax gaped at Spock.

Jim did his best not to do the same, or stare, or smile.

Or laugh along with his racing heartbeat.

Adam narrowed his eyes and said, “And here I thought Vulcans murdering people was beneath your people’s code.”

“I am not murdering anyone gentlemen, merely stating the facts.”

If he hadn’t already been in love…

Jim continued to stare at Spock until the man finally glanced down at him.

His eyes, hard, cold and a little too close to how they looked when he was under the influence of those spores, soon softened.

Jim had never, ever, imagined this.

“I have others.”

Those words, heard over the now higher and louder sirens immediately drew his attention.

Jim swallowed at stared at Adam as the man’s green eyes saw through him.

“Yes, your warehouse on Astrid Ven.”

Everyone turned back to Spock, who once again looked saintly.

“Coincidently, there is a Vulcan research lab on that base. I believe you are aware of who my father is, however, not many people are aware that two of my cousins are in Vulcan Security positions. As it is, they were looking closely for a disappearance of a Betazoid child within the vicinity. They did not find the child, however they did find your warehouse and fifteen other children, twenty-seven minutes ago.”

Jim now, finally laughed.

He laughed until his stomach started to hurt and he was doubled over in his chair.

It was almost terrible that he couldn’t hear the shouts and arguments and cries of his old torturers.

It was terrible that he missed minutes of the last bit of their lives.

But Spock…god…Spock did this for him.

Spock was literally committing murder for him.

It instantly sobered him and Jim straightened.

Relief made his body sag.

Stunned shock made his heart race.

He really was a monster to see this as a love note.

Really highlighted his teen years.

“You’ll pay for this,” Adam shouted, his body starting to sweat under the increasing heat.

Spock didn’t reply, instead, he arched condescending brow and looked down upon him.

Just then the men on the screen shouted as something exploded. Fog immediately filled the cabin, covering the comms before quickly dissipating.

Jim looked over at Spock but he didn’t look back and Jim’s gaze shot to the screen as the men started screaming.

Two minutes and nineteen seconds were left.

Jim, gaping, watched as the men’s veins bulged and turned black.

Jax started seizing and foam came from his mouth, his eyes bleeding.

Linden started begging, sobbing in a half-choked voice.

Adam tried to keep his wits, Jim could see a harsh fight within him but after a good thirty seconds, in which their skins started to eat itself, bled and burned, sores appearing around their mouths, eyes and ears; Adam finally started screaming.

Spock wasn’t only killing them, he was torturing them first.

Oh, Fuck.

Jim could feel the tension heighten even more on the bridge, everyone was staring, silent and shocked as the men became animalistic.

They couldn’t pronounce words and didn’t even notice how the shuttle started to shake and rock, panels were popping off and the sirens were going haywire.

The men screamed, scratching at their faces, their bodies. Linden managed to somehow unstrap himself but, contorted, fell and soon twisted around as if to escape from what appeared to be an intensely powerful pain-induced chemical attack.

Jax died first, his body suddenly and abruptly slumping in his seat. Blood was covering his face and spattered behind him.

Linden seized on the floor, unable now to even make noise; his pain too acute for him to comprehend.

And Adam, _Adam_ clawed at his skin, bit into his own tongue and cheeks, his face molted with bleeding sores that seemed to eat away at his flesh until he looked utterly unrecognizable, completely disfigured and inhuman.

An actual explosion then happened in the back of the tearing apart shuttle, Adam didn’t even notice, choking on his own blood and bile.

The sides of the shuttle glowed pink and white, the heat from the atmosphere now critical. The fire suddenly swooped forward, rushing over everything in it’s path and the screen suddenly blackened out.

 

 

The whole bridge seemed to hold its breath and slowly everyone soon glanced shyly and shockingly at Spock.

Even Jim had to take a moment.

Adam was dead.

Linden and Jax were dead.

Not only that but their current victims were okay.

Spock had just committed murder. With witnesses. At Work. For him.

Fuck.

Spock had planned it all prematurely, with complete Vulcan focus and detail.

Double Fuck.

How many admiralties sucked up to Spock? And could they use that for Spock's advantage?

Slowly, he turned to glance up at his First Officer.

He tried really, very hard not to grin, or brighten or fucking glow.

But from the softening of Spock eyes and easing of his shoulders, it seemed like he failed.

 

 

 


	14. Who's Crazy Enough To Fire Spock... Even If He Did Kill A Few People...

 

 

"You killed three people this morning," Helen said looking a little stunned.

Spock nodded, looking so fucking calm and perfect. 

Jim's fingers kept drumming on the arm rest of the couch. He couldn't stop fidgeting, feeling like he wanted to jump up and hug Spock.

Or laugh. 

He managed a glance at Spock and saw the man look right back at him. 

His lips twitched mirroring Jim. 

Fucking. Yes. 

"How do you feel about committing murder?" Helen asked getting right to it. 

They all knew the why. 

They all knew Spock didn't feel anything about it. 

Fuck. The ship was going insane with talking about it. 

Not one person held any sadness over it. 

Not one of his crew members felt anything other than shock over the fact Spock _actually_ did it. 

Did it out in the open, without any hold outs. 

If anything, the Enterprise was frightened _for_ Spock (and Jim secondly) and his future not only on the ship, in Star Fleet but his freedom as well. 

Jim was already working on it. 

"I see no difference from yesterday. This was not the first time I've taken a life. I...feel...relief...Satisfaction. They deserved it." 

Helen, for the very first time, looked as if she had nothing to say. 

She didn't write any of it down.

 

 

“Spock’s fucking crazy!” Bones snapped as he paced his living area.

Jim was still bat-shit grinning into Bones’ scotch, watching the older man pace and grumble.

“What the fuck was he thinking? This is going to blow up! And where will we all be when he get’s put into prison? Shit! We’re going to become criminals. I can’t be a criminal, Jim. I’m not helping break a Vulcan out of a penal colony! I’m not!”

He would.

They would… if it came to it.

But he didn’t mention it.

It wouldn’t come to it.

“He’s not going to a penal colony. And besides, we had a malfunction, we couldn’t help it. Star Fleet knows it happens.”

Bones snorted, downed his drink and slammed it on the coffee table.

“An investigation. They’re investigating!”

“Investigating what? Everything burned up and you’ve seen the footage of the bridge. We did everything we could.”

Jim grinned again. Spock had actually rigged the fucking things.

Every time he thought of it, it turned him on.

Badly.

Jim even went over them and added a few extras.

Spock approved.

Fuck.

He seriously, seriously wanted to slam that Vulcan against the nearest wall and just-well-just fuck him.

Hard, fast, as amazing and exhausting and fantastic as the last time.

He wanted him with everything he had.

And Bones read it easily, “Get that thought out of your head! You know how it is.”

And just like that Jim wasn’t grinning.

It was just-finally…

finally…

someone was in his corner.

Spock shocked him and made the ultimate move of caring in the most fucked up way possible. It really hit his core.

No one, not a single person would do that for him. Even Pike, who knew all of it, knew to go up against those men was a battle he couldn’t win, no matter how much he wanted to.

Pike wouldn’t have murdered anyone. Not in cold blood. Not meticulous planning it out to littlest fucking detail.

Only Spock.

He replayed it again, would probably always replay it and added Spock saying softly, ‘No one fucks with my bondmate.’

He would have gotten hard right in his seat, hell he had been.

He made a mental note to get Spock to swear.

“Jesus, Jim, you need to get over this. And that damned hobgoblin needs to let you!”

Bones continued pacing, quieter this time and Jim poured himself another glass.

 

 

Spock sat completely calm and stoic, staring back at the Admirals on the screen.

Jim’s eyes kept glancing from them to his First Officer even when he tried desperately to stay still.

Linda, oddly enough, looked the most upset but he figured it was because they could actually get away with murder.

Life just wasn’t fair.

Jim bit his tongue to keep from smiling.

“And you agree with these accounts, Captain Kirk?”

Jim tried to look professional and said, “Yes Mam, the investigation is clear and I’ve told you that my crew has done everything to the book. There was nothing we could do.”

It really didn’t matter.

Honestly, everyone knew the truth, the news agencies were having a ball with the implications that instead of delivering the high-profile men, they had killed them.

Some were saying that the Enterprise and indeed their Captain and First Officer were rouge and out of control with how many insane missions they had gone on and how many people had died in their path.

Others, however, were calling them saints, bringing monsters to justice.

No one reported on the warehouse.

Half the Admirals were shaking their heads in disbelief and others had half smiles, their eyes flickering back and forth on them-wondering-perhaps, which one of them did it.

They were upset, sure enough, not on the actual deaths though, instead they were upset that they had to clean it all up and try to spin it around.

Star Fleet needed to be the good guys.

“An unfortunate accident,” Andy said before sighing and saying, “We will see you both in six months. Good day.”

Abruptly, the screen went back and Jim relaxed, sinking into his seat.

“That went well.”

“I agree.”

Jim glanced over at Spock and laughed.


	15. It's Always All Or Nothing; Kadith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Just Wow. I am completely overwhelmed with your guys support, comments and just am so in awe of you guys. I just want to say that I truly appriecate all your comments and thoughts on this story.   
> Truly.   
> I've taken a lot of what you guys have talked about with therapy suggestions and have actually added/changed littled parted to this because of those amazing insights. Not going to lie this story wouldn't be as good without all of you.   
> So...Spock killed people totally and completely in cold blood. No regreat, No sympathy. And Jim totally digs it.   
> It is without any doubt a HUGE fundamental crossroads in their relationship with each other.   
> Spock's actions were the very FIRST tme anyone has actually stepped up and silently communicated 'These men are monsters and they will not hurt you or anyone ever again' and 'you are safe now' and 'I've completely one hundred percent got your back no matter what in any time or situation' and 'YOU ARE NOT ALONE'.   
> This really truly helps Jim in no other way anything else can.   
> It is (kudos to Dunyazad9) a gift.   
> Again just....THANK YOU ALL for making this story better and for manking me think of this so much more and really get into the minds of these characters SO much more than before.   
> Enjoy!!!   
> Now I've got to get going to work!!!

 

“You two seem much more relaxed today.”

Jim might have been sitting too close to Spock, sue him.

“We’re in a good mood,” Jim answered for both of them.

He looked over to see Spock nod and grinned once again.

He was not getting tired of it. He was relaxed for the first time in weeks and simply content. It was a nice change.

“I think we should comment a little more on last time. Jim, how are you feeling now? Have you been working on C.A.T.?”

He nodded, “I feeling good. Better than good. I’ve been practicing and have seen actual improvement in my moods. And I’m acting less. And Sulu commented the other day on the Tasa mission and I didn’t think negatively on it.”

And considering the clusterfuck on that planet; it was a huge ass improvement.

Helen nodded with a wide smile.

“What are your plans for when we arrive on Terra?”

Spock now answered, “As I have previously stated; I will be working alongside Doctor Senvik and our team in making our scientific discoveries accessible to the public as well as finishing my own experiments, which will take another nine point seven months. During the day, however, I will be lecturing three times a week at the academy.”

Jim nodded and looked over at Helen as she turned her gaze to him.

Jim shrugged and said nonchalantly, “I’m going to take a little vacation before teaching the advanced survival courses and advanced command classes for the next year.”

Helen brought up her legs and tucked them under her as she looked down at her PADD and back up at them.

“You two are both going to the Academy?”

Spock and Jim glanced at one another before looking back and nodding.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“What are you implying?”

“What do you mean?”

They said simultaneously.

Hele looked back at both of them skeptically before saying, “Do you think maybe you both would be better served with a break? I know Leonard and Carol are planning on going to South America for most of next year, you won’t be seeing much of them.”

“What is your point?” Spock asked, not too nicely.

Helen raised a brow at him before turning back to Jim.

“How does it feel to be separated from your best friend?”

Jim shrugged again.

Honesty, it would be a bummer not to have his Friday drinking ritual and not being able to comm the man at any time for stupid reasons too. Bones was like an extension of his person, it felt weird when he couldn't contact him at any given moment. Time zones sucked.

But he knew how important this project was for Carol and her career. She had been talking about the advancement of Star Fleet technology since they had gotten the trade deal signed with one of the newly discovered planets Kazar. And Bones was working with some of the best doctors in the Federation.

Everyone was literally coming to Earth to see those two and the only thing they had to comprise on was location.

Many of the newer planets still felt overwhelmed with the might and boldness of Star Fleet. That, and of course, they were headed back to fall temperatures and the Kazares apparently, needed summer temperatures. The Federation was nothing but inclusive after all.

So, Bones and Carol agreed to go to Star Fleet’s second best Terran facility in Rio.

He was, without a doubt, proud and happy for the both of them. And Jim already planned on flying down for Winter Holidays and Spring Break so it wasn’t like they wouldn’t see each other.

“It’s not _too_ big of a deal. I’ll still see them. I’m spending vacation time with them. Don’t et me wrong, I’ll miss them like crazy for the first bit though, Spock’s going to have take some complaining for the first month.” Jim answered truthfully.

Helen nodded but she had the tiniest of frowns on her face for just a second too long. Jim tried his best not to focus on it, using some of the said strategies. 

She didn't look upset, he thought to himself. 

Concerned?

Stop thinking. 

He focused on Spock.

“Spock, I thought you were going to go the New Vulcan to see your father.”

Spock raised his head and said, “I was. However, my father is now visiting Terra soon after we land. It is logical to meet then as he will have already made the trip.”

Helen nodded again before sighing and becoming herself again. This was the Helen he was used to.

“Okay, I’m going to be perfectly honest. We agreed, didn’t we?”

Both Spock and Jim glanced at one another frowning before nodding at her.

“I think you two need a little, I do mean just a bit, of time apart.”

Jim felt Spock’s body tense and Jim, himself, was upset.

“We just spent the last year getting our relationship back and you want us to step back?”

Helen nodded and Jim threw up his hands.

“What the fuck?”

It was Spock’s voice that got Helen to talk, “Please clarify.”

The snap made Helen brace herself and she said calmly, “The whole ship has wanted you two to go back to what you were. You work perfectly together and you compliment each other’s commanding style. You’re also the only two on board that can actually convince each other for either doing something or not doing it.

“However, you two haven’t gone back to what you were. I don’t think that’s possible for you. Without the restrictions and boundaries in which had been in place, you’re both blurring the lines of your relationship. And, honestly, as of this moment, I believe your confusing the lines of your relationship and I don’t want to see any backward steps if you…cross lines once again.”

Jim was aghast.

_Seriously?_

He had nothing to say to that.

“I do not know how you came to such-”

Helen cut Spock off.

“You two have worked amazingly to get back to being friends. I applaud your bravery, hard work and your determination. Both of you, individually have worked extensively on yourselves. I applaud that more than anything. You two care for each other over and above anything I've ever seen and that is great, awe inspiring. But normal relationships aren’t all or nothing. You two cannot handle ebb and flow. You cannot bear to be separated for even the shortest of periods and your fear that will happen, shuts both of you down. You depend too much on each other. I believe you always have done that. When you two came out of Pon Farr each of you felt like you betrayed each other and yourselves.

“You two both still carry around the guilt and anger from it. You haven’t let it go deep down. When the pollen incident happened, Jim you worked tirelessly to come to terms with it and Spock you communicated amazingly with your thought process and your regret. Even with all your hurdles, insecurities and acts of betrayal you two still feared losing one another to the point that it endangered your every day routines, your behaviour and even your lives. I don’t believe there is any action one of you can make that cannot in some fashion not be forgiven because you two rely so heavily on each other.

"A break is not an end and yet even at the mention of space both of you tense, get defensive and even deliberately not speak about it.”

Helen took a moment and finally, quietly said, “Spock you purposely planned and executed murder-”

“We have already discussed-” Spock snapped.

“-of three men for James-”

“-on seven separate occasions. I do not believe we need-”

“Do you think this is a healthy action?”

“-to discuss this in any more detail.”

Spock stayed silent and Helen finally, after weeks, let it go.

Jim crossed his arms and leaned back while Spock held still.

“What are your suggestions?” Spock grudgingly asked.

Jim tensed.

Helen took a moment before she said, “Stop avoiding what you really want to say to one another. I know there is much you both want to say and I know that you two trust each other with your lives. Yet, you both seem fearful of each other’s opinions. If you two want to move on, talk and allow each other to think about it, and converse back. And set boundaries. Real, spoken aloud, limits.”

Jim glanced at Spock who didn’t look at him.

“What the hell?” Jim sighed and let his head fall to the couch, feeling defeated.

It was minutes later when he heard Spock speak quietly, his head down, his eyes hidden.

“I miss our bond.”

And just like that something broke inside him.

 

 

 


	16. When Worlds Colide There's Always Some Sort Of Casualty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been thinking for awhile about doing Spock's version of this story? What do you guys think? I'd love to hear from you.   
> Also this chapter is full of ups and downs. Lots and Lots of feels.

 

 

Jim’s heart pounded as he said, “Enter.”

Spock slowly did but stopped just inside the door.

Almost a year and half of all their bullshit, only now were they finally playing chess back in his cabin.

“C’mon, I’ve got it set up.”

Spock only then came forward and sat in his chair opposite Jim. The table held their three-dimensional chess set.

Spock got white.

The first ten moves were made silence and Jim’s heart kept racing. His leg started to twitch and bounce.

Christ, he had to get over this.

“I was wondering if you’d like to join me on Crista.”

Jim looked up at Spock and caught his gaze.

Spock looked open, not at all affected by the tension that Jim had to be imagining.

No more negative thoughts.

Him and Spock were okay.

They were totally and completely fine.

“I’m going to an expo held on the station and since we will be having a few days of leave, I thought you would find it interesting.”

It was just hanging out. Jim could do a hang out.

They would go over boundaries then.

He nodded, “Yeah, that sounds good.”

Spock raised his head a bit and moved his knight.

Christ, he was about to be checkmated so quick.

But all Jim could think about was their afternoon session.

How Spock had told him he missed it.

That he hadn’t properly given it attention, or consideration.

How Spock _regretted_ it, that painful, heartbreaking **END** and once more he had apologized before the session was cut short.

He didn’t know how he was going to handle tomorrow’s session.

Or even right now.

He was so fucking angry and happy at the same time.

Jim lasted fifteen minutes, Spock checkmated him without mercy but paused.

“Perhaps, I should go. We can resume in a few nights, after I am done with the gamma shift in the Science Lab, if you are not otherwise engaged.”

Jim nodded and stood, his stomach lurching.

“Of course, that’d be good.”

Maybe Helen was right, distance was something they both needed.

Spock stood and for a moment they were less than a foot away from each other.

Jim couldn’t say who started it or who moved first.

Suddenly, Jim was in Spock’s arms.

Spock’s hands were on him once again.

His lips descended onto Spock’s and that body he had dreamt about for years was suddenly his once again.

 

 

“You, stupid, stupid, son-of-a-bitch. Tell me you didn’t.”

Jim groaned and laid his head down on Bones’ desk.

He really couldn’t afford another mental breakdown.

But right then, he thought maybe going to a facility for this kind of thing might actually be the best thing for him.

“Dammit, Jim.”

The fact that Bones only sounded half-mad didn’t help.

There was anger there, after all Bones had to hear about everything to due with him and Spock over the last year and a bit-and let’s be honest-he heard before that too.

But Bones also sounded pitying and unsurprised at the same time.

Like everyone expected this to happen.

“Did you expect this to happen?” Jim suddenly wondered.

Because he didn’t.

Spock knew Jim loved him-had said so-but he wasn’t supposed to give in to him.

Spock was supposed to say no and fuck off and I’m not into you.

He wasn’t supposed to say his name like it was some sort of prayer, or tell him he was beautiful or fuck him like he had last night.

And Jesus, did Jim _finally_ understand Helen.

He got it.

At thirty years old, he understood what Helen meant by actually enjoying fully and wholly the act of sex.

Because damn, Spock was amazing in Pon Farr.

He had been.

Even crazed and not himself, he still craved Jim’s pleasure like he had his own. Their minds had been so closely bound it had been the closest he had ever felt to someone.

But last night had been completely different.

It hadn’t been sex. Not really. It was too much, too…everything… for that act to be sex.

They hadn’t devoured each other, hadn’t claimed or possessed each other. Instead, it was as they were entire worlds held together by flesh and blood and bone. They explored every valley and dip and peak of each other.

And Spock’s whole body had spread flame and heat and shocks across his skin.

Dark, heavy eyes had penetrated his being, stared back at him with matching heat, matching joy.

Underneath their mouths they conveyed their respect, their trust. Hands had caressed, grasped, _worshiped_.

And that was what it was, worship, reverence.

They had orbited each other, rolled across his bed, twisted and turned and bent to each other. Always touching, always leaning towards the other.

It was slow and yet not any less passionate.

Gentle and joyous and full of too-extreme pleasure.

Spock had clearly wished to dominate. Something, Jim guessed, was more a Vulcan thing than a Spock thing and Jim while hesitant at first soon found out he was fine with it. Completely fine.

Fantastic.

Jim hadn’t even known sex like that existed. Spock never once even made him uncomfortable, stopping at the littlest burn or hint of tension. To the point that at times, Jim had to get creative in breaking that control.

He was still a little shaky.

Having Spock on top of him hadn’t caged him, hadn’t made him feel defensive. He felt safe, cocooned, _loved_.

And when Spock moved, completely in control of him, one hand intertwined with his, the other unable to stay still gliding across Jim's body, Jim had finally found out what complete and utter desire meant.

For Spock’ hands that worshipped his skin, for his lips that molded against his own; kisses that drank in moans and in which etched beautiful and everlasting words into his flesh, his soul; Jim would go to the ends of the very universe for that man.

He knew it before.

Now it was a simple fact. Completely undeniable.

Together they had moved as a single soul. Their bodies had moved in an ancient ritual of overwhelming emotion. An act in which one had the barest forms of words.

Sex. Fucking. Making Love.

None of the truly conveyed the act in which possessed someone to give away a part of themselves.

Jim had had sex. He fucked countless people. Once or twice he made love.

This… What he did with Spock, what he gave and received was pure.

He knew, had felt it, behind those dark eyes, behind Spock’s never-ending words of reassurance, respect, devotion and passion, he felt that mind.

Through their flesh, those thoughts and colours and worlds had wanted so badly to sink into his.

He felt Spock tremble against him, inside him, felt that mind just behind walls that he could not reach.

And Jim wanted it too.

Needed that distant call like oxygen, Spock could breathe life into him, set him aflame, give him a world in which was purely and utterly theirs.

And theirs alone.

He actually trembled.

That was a thing. A real thing.

People did that.

He was still freaking out because he always just read about it. And he hadn’t been scared. Trembling not due to fear.

Who knew?

God sex was great. Sex with Spock.

Awesome.

Amazing.

He wanted it again. A lot. All the time.

Jim was good and fucked right to hell.

So many ways.

He shook his head.

If they did this again…who was he kidding?

God... would he beg for that bond?

“Did I expect this to happen? Are you serious?”

Bones gave him to worst expression and just shook his head as he said, “With the way you went off the deep end and Spock quickly followed…Hell, a year ago I carried around a fucking resuscitation kit wherever I went. I wasn’t sleeping to well either, Jim. When you finally tried to kill yourself, I wasn’t surprised. Horrified and scared... but not surprised. It was a matter of time with the way you were. Then I saw Spock’s face. He ran you here, you know.”

No, Jim hadn’t known.

He knew Spock found him in shower but not that.

Bones shook his head again and looked pained at even the memory.

He felt super guilty about that now. Doubly so for Bones. He didn’t know how he put up with half of his shit.

He loved his brother so fucking much.

“God, I only saw emotion on his face once before that Jim. And every time it’s terrifying. He screamed, actually _screamed_ , I heard him down the hall calling for me, practically shoved you in my arms. And he kept saying it was his fault. Even when Nyota came down and Sulu and Chekov, he kept saying that, his eyes were wild and there was no reaching him, he was agitated and pacing, completely out of it. I had a nurse hypo him. And you know the rest... it was Helen or a recuperation retreat.”

Bones snorted at the thought.

“I wanted to die.”

He could admit that now.

It had been a real thing.

He had been drunk but not that drunk.

He was in agony, his mind empty and alone.

Always alone.

He did it. Intentionally.

Bones winced and slowly nodded, already aware.

“I’m sorry,” Jim said and looked up at his brother.

“I’m sorry you weren’t enough and that I didn’t think how it would harm you.”

Bones sighed and said, “You shouldn’t be living for me, Jim. You know now you’re stronger than that. You prepared yourself to live without me or Spock or anyone. You’ve grown a lot this year. You’ve always been a damned great Captain but you’ve become an even more attentive friend and you appreciate everything just a bit more.”

That was true. He had to.

Homework; be positive.

He was going to have Helen’s voice in his head for the rest of his life, no doubt.

He tended to do that with people.

They discussed that too.

His unconscious need to have approval, respect, love. And when shown even a bit of it he latched and like a little puppy and wouldn’t leave, even when kicked, even when starved. He always came back.

In hindsight, it was a miracle he hadn’t ended up in an abusive relationship as an adult.

He thought of Garry then and Bones breaking his nose in their second year before the guy had dropped out.

He was fucking thankful for Bones.

“But once you two became friendly again, yeah.”

Jim took a drink, frowning confused.

And Bones now looked lighter, if upset.

A weird combination but it was Bones.

“You know, you two made it awful hard for Nyota. Made it crazy weird on the ship.”

Jim was utterly confused now.

“What?”

Bones snorted and said, “He doesn’t even recognize it. Dammit, Jim, with you out and everyone knowing that you have feelings for the hobgoblin, your sideways looks weren’t exactly subtle. And Spock wasn’t much better. In the beginning, he kept looking at you like a lost puppy who didn’t know what happened to his owner. It why I wasn’t surprised at the couples’ therapy.”

“It’s not-”

“It is. Because you two, regardless of whether you’re actually together, function as a couple. It’s part Captain and First Officer and it’s part Jim and Spock. Your relationship on any level affects the crew first professionally and then personally. But it didn’t really become so very obvious until the spore incident. At least on Spock’s end. After that the whole crew knew. I kind of feel bad for him… he made it so public.”

Bones winced but this time Jim could tell it wasn’t because of his actions.

“What?”

“Don’t play stupid Jim.”

Jim just gaped.

“Jim. He literally killed you. You were dead. He tormented you and made ship wide announcements specifically to mentally fuck with your head. I was actually impressed by a lot of it at the time. Sorry again about that. But remember, the spores make you go after who you value most. I was split between you and Carol, she came after me-which was surprising a little, pleasantly. Girl has a mean right hook,” He said proudly.

Jim blinked, really thinking that over.

Spock did completely target him.

Bones was only there for a bit, tempered by Spock and yeah-he went for Carol.

“Spock went after you, Jim. He didn’t go after Nyota at all. He treated her, his girlfriend and _intended_ at the time, exactly as he did the rest of us. She was hellfire too. She went right for him. And he just brushed her off each time before locking her in brig. And, I won’t lie,” Bones winced in sympathy as he poured them more glasses, “I actually think he forgot a little about her.”

That Jim couldn’t believe.

“Otherwise, at that point he would have viewed her as unnecessary since she wasn’t working with him. I think he just would have floated her.”

Jim’s mouth was open.

That…that actually made sense.

All of Spock’s attention had been on Jim.

Solely on Jim.

His announcements, his stalking.

He had broken several ensigns arms and legs for merely threatening him.

After the crew jumped him, Spock had thrown them all in the brig.

He hadn’t let anyone off easily for messing with him.

Because he wanted to be the one hurting Jim.

Did Spock have feelings for him all those months ago?

Was he just repressing all of it?

Looking at it carefully, he practically wrote **MINE** on Jim’s fucking forehead.

His anger came to the front of his mind at that.

Spock repressed their bond.

He repressed their compatibility and his regret and basically everything about Jim.

It was fucking unfair.

“Then I knew, it was only a matter of time before you two fucked up again. So, to speak.”

Jim wrinkled his nose in distaste.

He couldn’t say anything then because he knew it was true too.

Spock had feelings for him.

Spock had fucking feelings for HIM.

Spock had feelings for him even when he was with Nyota.

Did he want/desire/need/fucking love him when he-when they- ** _FUCK_**.

Had he been jerked around this entire time?

Had Spock not cared?

Or had he actually not even fucking noticed?

Who did that?

Who didn’t know that kind of shit when you literally fucked them senseless for days?

Spock literally killed people for him.

Would he have done the same for Nyota or used logic to sweep it all away?

He lifted tormented eyes to Bones watching as the man winced for him and nodded, “Yeah kid. You two are like destined for each other. I don’t know anyone else who is as fucked up as you two.”

 

 

 

 


	17. T'Hy'La For Better And For Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Only two chapters left! Can't believe it. Thank you all so much for reading and supporting this. Thank you for all of your ideas and inspiration too!!

It’s been almost eight hours and Jim’s voice was still fucking rough.

He can still feel Spock’s hands on his hips.

Taste him, even as he gulps a too-fast swallow of coffee.

“You are angry.”

“No shit.”

Spock looked hurt and confused, he reached out only to pull back.

Fuck.

Why couldn’t Spock have scary, flat, Vulcan eyes?

Helen looked between the two of them.

Jim was angry, tense on one side of the couch and Spock on the other staring at him looking fucking _hurt_.

Good for him.

Jim went to take another gulp before he saw his cup was empty.

When did he drink all of it?

He literally just poured the damned thing.

“Jim why don’t you tell us what you’re feeling.”

“We had sex.” He blurted.

I can still feel him, he didn’t say.

Probably always will.

Spock straightened, tensed and Helen’s brows went up.

“Do you regret it?” Helen asked.

Spock didn’t look at him now.

He thought about last night and about Bones’ conversation this morning.

Hurt, anger, it was all there.

He also knew he wanted Spock still.

Fuck.

“A little.”

Now Spock turned to him.

_Increased hurt._

“Spock, how do you feel?”

“I…I am… unsure.”

“Why do you regret it?”

Jim shrugged and breathed out heavily. His fingers started drumming on their spot on the arm rest the moment he put his empty cup down.

“I’m pissed.”

“At Spock?”

“I don’t get it.”

“Clarify,” Spock said quietly.

Jim turned to Spock and almost shouted, “You broke our bond! You walked away! You fucking left without a backward glance! You sure as fuck didn’t care and you just broke it! My mind was literally in fucking tatters and you just hopped and skipped to the nearest god damned healer! Just like everyone else but...I just…We’re not supposed to…You’re supposed to push me away! You know how I feel! You’ve always known! You can’t just…You can’t walk in, say you want me now and fucking mess with my head!” Jim trailed off.

He didn’t exactly know why he was so angry.

He just kept thinking about how much Spock had closed off from him.

Catching himself, he tried to even out his breathing and calm himself.

“James-”

He winced and cut him off.

That was a low move using his real name.

Fuck.

James.

_James._

_James._

He could feel Spock’s lips against his ear.

He took a few deep breaths trying to calm down.

“How did you know I was in trouble?” Actually, only now was that something that he thought of. He was curious and his anger took a second seat very slowly after his conversation with Bones.

Noting his confusion and anger, Spock was hesitant at the change in and topic and slowly asked, “When?”

“When I hurt myself. You found me. What were you even doing there, you were with Nyota.”

Spock tensed again, thinking about that night.

Jim saw Helen straighten and saw her own curiosity.

No one had actually asked Spock how he knew.

The amount of blood he lost and the coma he entered meant that there were only a few minutes that would have truly mattered to save his life. And Spock had found him exactly in time.

Spock’s brows came down in his own confusion and he tilted his head in that adorable way that Jim always loved.

“I…I do not know. I was with Nyota and I…I knew you needed me.”

“We weren’t talking then.”

“No. Regardless, it was…it was an urge I could not ignore. I knew something was wrong.”

Jim frowned and asked more softly, “Was it…was it like residue or something? From the bond?”

At that time, it had been only weeks since it broke.

Spock opened his mouth, rethought what he was going to say and then started again, “It could have been. Our bond was unusually strong.”

Jim nodded and swallowed hard.

God, he loved that bond and it made Spock’s thoughtlessness even worse. He had felt whole for just a short little while he felt loved. Before it was blocked. Before his mind was his own again. Before reality came back and his body was so fucking sore, tired, bruised, broken and it all _hurt_.

God, last night he felt it.

Or at least he felt yearning for it.

Logically, Jim snorted inwardly, he knew why he was so angry.

He had that bond, he knew if they kept playing this dangerous thing, he’d break. He might be stronger than last year but that…that could send him right back.

He felt that dark, hollow part of him when Spock was with him. Felt it lurch up, rise, gain attention.

And his mind shouted, _screamed_ for Spock. For a joining more powerful then even last night had been.

They were all silent for a bit when Spock said, quietly, “I am sorry. If I could change it, I would make different decisions. More logical ones.”

Jim bit his lip, glanced up, eyes watering and saw Spock’s sincere expression.

“Why didn’t you?”

For all of Spock’s logic, it hadn’t been applied with them. It occurred to him, as much as they talked, they never truly addressed this.

Those few weeks that almost took his will to live. That made Spock become a stranger for months.

Spock looked down and said, “Since losing my planet, I became extremely cautious with my mind. I felt the breaking of my world, all but four bonds and a diluted feeling of the Vulcan Collective perished. Only one of the bonds I have is strong. My father. My grandmother is next, with my two cousins behind her. And they are more distant cousins at that. That is all I have left of my world. The rest of the Collective, especially the farther away we get…become nothing but shadow. I planned, carefully, a bonding with Nyota. I was hesitant because I feared it breaking and she would age much faster than a Vulcan mate.

“And suddenly, Nyota wasn’t the mind I shared. Hers wasn’t the voice I woke up to. My mind was no longer my own, I was no longer alone and for that morning, Jim...”

Spock was quiet, his eyes on him and it was as if the whole world went away.

“That morning was a blessing. To no longer be alone.”

Jim blinked, swallowed down his own grief, and asked, after a minute, “What changed?”

“I hurt you. I hurt Nyota. I hadn’t been in control of myself. I believed that it was a mistake. You know our bonding was harsh. It was much harsher than I thought it would be.”

He swallowed heavily again and looked away, wiping his eyes.

“Spock, did you have any idea that Jim was your intended?” Helen asked.

Jim snapped back to them and Spock was tense again, defiant.

“At the time, no.”

“And now?”

Jim leaned forward. “What?”

Spock looked over to him and soon let his shoulders drop. “When I look over my actions, Jim, I am…appalled. Not only did you not give me consent or know what was happening…I did not know I was doing it myself…”

“Doing what, Spock?”

Spock took a deep breath and said, “I sought you out.”

Jim froze.

No, that wasn’t right.

Jim made the first move.

Jim made Spock act.

Jim kissed Spock.

It was Jim’s fault. They both knew it was his fault; not Spock’s.

Spock looked guiltier seeing his confusion and he said, “Whenever my emotions exploded, you felt it. That should have told me all but I did not recognize it. I grew angry and you responded. My thoughts at the time would stray to you for two weeks prior and that day, when it became too much…I tried to gather as much logic as possible. Everyone knew something was happening and Nyota had told McCoy as well as yourself that we would be indisposed soon.

“I thought that I needed to go to Nyota. And instead, you commed me. I told you I was going to Nyota’s yet I went to you.”

Jim remembered.

_He had been sweating so much, he thought he was literally dying._

_Oh God, now he caught something. Jesus, he hadn’t slept with anyone lately, what the fuck crazy space disease did he get that he was going to spontaneously combust?_

_Just about to comm Bones, he instead commed Spock and his sharp tone had Jim instantly hot, furious and ready for a fight._

_"I need to speak with you. Now.” It came out harsh, unprofessional and yet he couldn’t stop himself._

_“Captain,” the disdain was clear and it riled him up, Jim gritted his teeth, “I am going to Lieutenant Nyota’s cabin. Whatever it is you wish to say to me will wait until I am once again available.”_

_Spock promptly hung up on him and he seethed._

_With a shout, he threw his comm clear across the room where it smashed against the wall. H_

_e paced, unable to stay still, tearing off his jacket, his undershirt, sweating even more now._

_Fucking Spock and not listening to him!_

_Jim hadn’t known why he was so crazy but he gathered one more clear thought to call Bones before looking up to see the bathroom door slide open._

_S_ _pock, in his black robes made his whole body leap up into a fighting stance._

_Jim’s heart raced the moment he saw Spock. His body started to shake._

_“I am going to look for Nyota.” Spock had_ _said._

That wasn’t logical.

Why go to his room, to tell him that?

But at the time, Jim thought Spock was just announcing that he wouldn’t be taking orders from him.

That he was being disrespected, thrown away, ignored, **abandoned**.

_Jim had grown furious, his whole stomach dropping and practically snarled as he said, “Fine! Do what you want! I don’t fucking give a shit! Fuck that bitch all you want!”_

_Not something you say to an already pissed off Vulcan and about his bondmate._

_“What is wrong with you, you ignorant, little child?” Spock had furiously, quietly snapped at him, advancing like a Le-Matya._

_Jim could see the red haze in his eyes, that same look he had gotten so long ago right before choking him._

_“_ _What’s wrong?” Jim had spat back._

_“_ _What’s wrong? You’ve got to be fucking bullshitting me, Spock!"_

_Spock had lurched to a stop, looking green-tinted and out of it._

_Shaking with fury to lash out, to attack, to challenge._

_And Jim had roared, “You don’t fucking belong with her!”_

_It had been Jim who launched himself at Spock, kissing him, biting, pushing him against the wall, he even punched him and Spock had greedily responded._

_Grabbing him, making bruises of his skin, one punch to his face knocked him to the ground._

_And just like their sparring in the rec room, Jim kicked out tripping Spock and they tumbled on the floor._

_They blocked as many hits as they gave._

_Spock, as always, finally managed to pin Jim to the floor, bloody lip, eyes blazing._

_“You’re mine,” Jim had shouted, his entire body tense and ready to burst, he lurched up and claimed Spock’s lips silencing any response the man might give right before the fever took them both._

Jim winced.

And then looked back at it.

Examined it.

He tried desperately to take out the desire and guilt that came with the memory and just looked at it from an outward position.

Spock had been furious and conflicted but also…

Jim’s eyes widened.

He had been…relieved.

That last look in his eyes wasn’t shock like he thought it was.

It was _hunger_. 

But more than that.

Now, that he actually examined it…there was a smugness in those eyes.

A satisfaction that was deeper than just fulfillment.

Spock had enjoyed Jim claiming him, calling him _‘his’_.

He gasped quietly, seeing the victory in his expression.

Joy.

Happiness.

Crazed, animalistic mating.

A mating of equals.

Jim had been Spock’s challenger, a male; instinctively Vulcan’s saw males as threats and Jim hadn’t been different.

Spock recognized him as a warrior and had hit him back twice as hard, challenging, toe-to-toe, yet full of lust and purely functioning on instinct.

It was only after Jim lay open, melted, _molded_ to Spock completely out of it, riding those same fever waves that Spock had infected him with, completely and utterly submissive when that bond actually formed.

When hunger, lust, need, want, desire all rose up… the fury, pain and anger got submerged under the sheer blinding weight of the depth of emotion.

The formation of their ill-made, but amazingly powerful bond, actually came forward only once they stopped fighting.

Each time Jim had countered in those two weeks leading up to it... that one time in the rec room when they almost came to blows…

Jesus, he had been hard then.

Then the week later when the media room was trashed, Spock and Jim almost came to blows then too.

The crew had been scared shitless of them, wide-eyed and out of their depth.

Only now, thinking back did he recognize that he was almost ready to launch himself at Spock.

Literally.

Public sex, hard, rough, fucking right there in his own rec room.

His co-workers be damned.

And looking back, Spock had been a step away from it too.

Nyota all but forgotten on the couch right next to him.

Mouth agape, he shook his head in shock.

“Jim?”

Spock had sought him out.

Spock had bonded them.

Long before Pon Farr.

Long before Jim could guess.

Hell, would have even been able to form a bond with Nyota?

Had Pon Farr not struck would they have all been on New Vulcan, Jim the best man only to feel Spock in _his_ head?

Or was it because Jim was so close?

If they had been on a mission, Jim here on the ship, Spock somewhere else, would they have even been drawn together?

“When did we form a bond?”

When did their bond outshine Spock’s initial bond with Nyota?

When was it formed?

How?

He thought he saw Spock pained before. He was so hurt when Jim died that first time. He was devastated after the breaking of the bond, so fucking guilty looking at Jim who had three broken bones; his collarbone, a rib and worse his thigh had been shattered when Spock was keeping him from fighting back.

Bruises were in the shape of Spock’s hands were everywhere, half-healed scratches across his body, bite marks across his skin.

During the fever he hadn’t felt the pain, afterwards was a different matter.

Spock was cold and distant after that day and shut out everything.

Jim supposed it had been the only way Spock could deal with it all.

The pain in Spock’s eyes now though…this was soul deep grief.

An emotion he knew well and tried his best not to feel betrayed or angry.

Their bond was broken, had been for almost two years now.

It was done.

He kept reminding himself of that.

“It…it is my belief that…after many sessions with Helen and a Vulcan healer…with further thought…”

“Spock.”

Spock wanted to fight this.

This was something very deeply either Vulcan or somehow not discussed. He knew that just by the wavering shutters in his eyes.

Spock wanted to not tell him.

He wanted this not to be in front of anyone. Jim was willing to bet he wouldn’t have spoken it aloud at all if it were his choice.

He had to practically force it out in a whisper, “We are… t’hy’la.”

Jim tilted his head, baffled and said, “What?”

Never heard of it.

It meant absolutely nothing to him. No Vulcan class had covered it and he knew.

After falling in love with Spock he had researched everything on Vulcans. Even started learning some of the language in his spare time.

It must be a deep cultural thing. Most likely Pre-Surakian.

They worshipped shit that was Pre-Surakian and yet it was so indulgent and fucking ‘bad’ that they never said it aloud.

“It is not something easily translated and prior to our bonding, not something seen in almost a millennium on Vulcan. It has always been extremely rare between my people and never once has it shown between mixed races.”

Jim nodded, confused and looked to Helen who was frowning but looked a hell of a lot clued in than him.

It looked like something connected in her though, he could see the lightbulb in her eyes flash on.

“It is a bond that forms without help, without ceremony or intent. It was thought until recently, to be a myth, or something that certainly was only to our ancestors. It involves all bonds into one. For one person to be family-sister or brother, in our case the latter, friend and lover. Stronger than any other bond, it eclipses all others. Historically, it caused and stopped many wars.”

Jim nodded, trying not to feel overwhelmed.

Brother, friend, lover. 

Family, friend, bondmate.

Everything. 

Jim and Spock were that.

Without any doubt, he knew that to be true.

“And we broke it.”

It seemed almost even more devastating. No wonder he almost died from it.

Even Spock had been in a haze for weeks.

Was that why he couldn’t get over it?

Spock craved it too.

He hadn’t know that until last night.

His hands which never stayed still, caressing, grasping, teasing, multiple times they wandered up to his face and multiple times Spock jerked just enough that Jim became aware that Spock hadn’t meant to wander those amazing fingers over his temples.

His breath hitched.

Spock stayed quiet and Jim looked back to him to see him looking away.

It made his chest clench and he said, more insistently, “And we broke it.”

Spock opened his mouth and stopped.

Jim’s eyes widened and he tried, clumsily to feel around his own mind.

It didn’t work.

Those two weeks where he had been tied to Spock, he had somehow known what to do, he had actually seen the depth to his own mind which frightened him whenever he thought about it but weirdly knew what to do.

Now, there was nothing.

“Spock!”

“Jim, why don’t we set-”

Without looking away from Spock he said, “Helen, I appreciate you so much, but if you stop this right now, I will fire you. Spock, did we actually break the bond?”

“Yes, it was severed.”

Jim felt both relieved and hurt. He stopped short.

“However, I felt it some time ago. It needs no help, I did not try to form it. It is not as bright, nor as strong as it once was and I believe we can keep it that way, if that is your wish. Your mind and mine are so compatible that it will keep us bonded even in the lightest form even if we saw each other for as little as once a decade. I felt your mind give out on the planet I marooned you on, it brought me back from the madness and I was horrified. I felt you die for the second time. We have the ability to reach each other across an entire solar system without it even being fully formed.

“We are Ty’hy’la. It is proven more than once and I can no longer deny it. Now that we have met and especially since our minds have come together, it is only natural to seek each other.

“While I saw as a challenger when we mated…you have to know same-sex mating with males is not heard of on Vulcan. Not because one isn’t attracted to males, but because during their Time, it is so very easy for anger to overrule desire. Many males have killed their partners. Other’s ignite their partners own Time and then the mating becomes even more dangerous.

“I…I fought our mating. Mentally, I did my utmost to not go to you. I…I believe I endangered us both since…”

Spock glanced at Helen who was silent but observing sharply.

She quickly looked away and opened her PADD.

Jim would have smiled but he was too panicked.

Spock continued quieter, “..I endangered us. We are more compatible then either of us can conceive. Our joining would have been, should have been; easy. As easy, that is, as any other regular one. You submitted only when I too stopped fighting. I…I am so very…I am sorry that it had taken me so long to reach this conclusion. Please, please forgive me, Ashayam. I love you.”

Jim blinked, off balance and out of it.

Having a full-blown panic attack, he got up and ran.

 

 

 


	18. At The End You'll Understand; I Did

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This has been such a journey. Thank you for sticking with it. There is an epilogue coming this weekend. Thank you so much for reading and commenting and sharing your own insights which have made this story so much better!!!   
> You guys are the best!!

“Do you want Spock back as a friend? Or as a lover?”

Jim sighed and let his head fall back to the back of the couch. He watched little holo blue-birds chip and skip over too real looking branches.

“I don’t know. No, I do know. It’s just…”

He looked back at Helen and frowned asking, “You’re not against us being all codependent again?”

Helen sighed then too and sat back.

She looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, “Honestly?”

Jim nodded.

“I can’t help you. Or him. You two are, without a doubt, the most loyal, devoted couple I’ve ever come across. You’re also extremely dangerous because of that. I’ve always known you loved him, Jim. And I’ve known he loved you for awhile too. You both crave the bond that existed between you two and truthfully... I don’t believe either of you will truly ever be really happy without it. That’s not saying you can’t have full, meaningful and happy lives without each other. I think with time and work and if you truly wished it, you could. So, I suppose the question isn’t whether or not you can forgive Spock’s ignorance but…can you live happily now…knowing he loves you as much as you’ve devoted yourself to him?”

Helen took a moment before gently saying, “You’ve lived almost two years of your life thinking you were never going to have Spock; longer, you loved him before your bonding, back when he was in a committed and good relationship with Nyota. Now, Spock is saying that he made mistakes, big mistakes, but mistakes nonetheless but he is willing and hopeful and open to a real and honest relationship. It is an adjustment for you to mentally conceive that this real. Spock is an option. You can have a future with him. And with that reality comes a lot of real fear. You can’t hide from yourself anymore.”

They sat a few minutes in silence before Jim asked, “Did you put him up to the stalking?”

Helen’s lips twitched, eyes bright with amusement, right before Sulu commed him.

 

 

Scotty wasn’t going to save him.

He knew that the moment Spock started really crying.

His hand was strangely warm as it pressed harshly against Jim’s burning, bloody wound.

All around him was Spock, his side to the man’s chest, coddled as if he were a child.

He missed waking up with Spock’s body curled around his. Legs twisted together, that almost too-heavy arm draped across him. Spock’s hot breath on his skin.

Spock started to rock gently, panicking now.

“Hold on, James. Just hold on for me.”

It was then that he felt a drop on his face and opened his eyes without knowing he closed them. Tears were slowly sliding down Spock’s dirty face. He wanted to reach up and brush his bangs down but he couldn’t move his hands.

And he knew, with a certainty as he did in the warp core, that this was it.

Their last high-risk mission, a mere six weeks before they got to Earth and Jim officially became the youngest Captain and the youngest Captain for a five-year mission, and here he was not going to make it.

This is also when he realized that Spock loved him.

Spock really loved him.

Real.

Fact.

He was shaking, worry, stress and feverish desperation was making his eyes look blown and wild.

“James, James…” he whispered.

“Y’u…”

Spock snapped his head up hearing him choke out.

“Shh, Ashayam, save your energy. The Enterprise will beam us up soon.”

Jim blinked feeling the heavy weight of his body drag him down.

His eyelids felt too heavy to keep open and he realized he could no longer feel his legs.

“’U…l’ve mmme…” Jim coughed, the feeling of pain only momentarily tightening his chest.

It faded soon and he began to feel a weird weightless floating sensation.

Spock looked so beautiful.

He also looked afraid, lost and so incredibly agonized.

Jim wanted to apologize.

Suddenly it all just cleared away. 

Impending death was like that. 

Fact; he loved Spock.

Fact; Spock loved him. 

Nothing than that mattered any longer. 

He needed more time. 

He wanted to say he loved him, that he wasn’t being fair to him for the last couple of months.

He wanted to say he was sorry for being angry, sorry for yelling, for giving him the cold shoulder, for being so god damned stubborn.

He wanted to say he forgave him.

He forgave him for hurting them both, for being less than perfect, for being frightened.

With time, they could be together. They could be happy.

They’d be perfect.

Most of all he wanted to say; he trusted Spock not to walk away again.

And that was the main thing.

The one thing he battled with for the last fourteen long weeks.

Spock had made his stance very clear in his being a kicked puppy that even Bones had grumbled to Jim about.

He wasn’t going anywhere the second time around.

He was no longer scared or perhaps he was now; only of the opposite things.

Spock had made an attempt every day to speak to him.

One off sentences that Jim couldn’t run from in the lift or unhear in the rec room or unread once he opened up the com messages.

They went from well verses apologies and promises, that Jim just knew, Spock meant to his very core, like; ‘I plan on making this up to you every day for the rest of our lives.’

To simply and powerfully; ‘I am in love with you. I hope you enjoy your shift.’

To his best fantasies and a sure fucking way he was losing sleep; ‘It will not matter if we ever achieve an intimate relationship in regards to protecting you. I will do all I can to make sure you feel safe and that no one harms you again.’

And worse of all, ‘If you wish me to stop, Ashayam, you need merely tell me and I will cease. Until then, I plan on being with you every chance in which you provide. Sleep well, my James.’

Jesus, Spock had been his own little stalker and Jim had gotten more than a little off on it.

He thought maybe Spock could pick up all his emotions, his love, his forgiveness, his own commitment to this ridiculous relationship that was so much more than the both of them, that he could say all those things at once, with one word because he couldn’t get enough energy to speak anymore.

“James…” Spock hiccupped and Jim’s heart squeezed painfully as he realized Spock was outright crying now.

“James, my ashayam. S-stay. Stay…please, stay. I’m sorry. I’m…I’m so s-sorry. K'hat'n'dlawa - kwon-sum.”

Spock hugged him closer.

He had a far-away thought of being crushed by accident and Jim felt so good being in his arms again.

 

 

 

The blackness came just as it did that first time; slowly, gradually. 

Death came as an old friend, slow and friendly. Welcoming. 

The dark surrounded him and all of his memories didn't flash or blare out. 

They faded, it all faded, his ship, his friends, his career. 

He lost his mother and brother. 

He lost his crew. 

He lost the universe through his grasp and soon lost himself. 

Jim was no more. 

Spock was no-

Spock. 

_Spock._

Familiar. 

**_Spock._ **

An echo of something long ago...forgotten...warm....safe...

It who had no name knew this Spock. 

It had known life, known touch, known soft...brown?...yes, brown, eyes. 

_Spock._

Spock was life, Spock was safety, Spock was love. 

It was a he...he...who was he? 

'James,' the echo blared through the darkness. 

_James._

_James._

**_Jim._ **

He was a Jim. 

And Jim was supposed to be with Spock. 

 

 

 

 

“Christ! You’re back.”

Bones looked too relieved to see him once again.

Jim blinked and couldn’t actually believed he survived that.

“Hol-” he broke off and coughed.

“Careful! You’re gonna need a couple days to get your strength back.” Bones passed him a cup of water and Jim carefully and eagerly drank.

“'Ow b'd?” Jim finally asked hoarsely, a few minutes later as Bones did scans on him.

“Well, let’s just say that Spock is fully traumatized after this.”

Jim winced and after a few more minutes and drinking more fluids, said, “Did I die again?”

Bones snorted but Jim could see the stress on him. “Dammit, you say that shit way too carelessly. Try not taking a chest wound when a god damned Vulcan is next to you! He can bleed out from a chest wound for hours! I can heal that. You only had minutes. Minutes!”

Bones took a breath and shook his head and slowly said, “Almost kid. Only Spock did some voodoo stuff on you and managed to keep your brain active. It took its toll on him though,” and then he added, “Stop fucking dying! God, I can’t wait for home. A whole year, maybe even two on some solid ground.”

The doctor kept on grumbling and Jim chuckled hoarsely, eased back into living by the constant vigil and complaints of his own personal guardian angel.

Jim finally felt like himself a few hours later and he didn’t complain about being in medbay. He used the time to really think.

Jim and Spock had kinda pushed each other into corners throughout their relationship.

First as friends, they constantly head-butted against once another.

Then when they became actual, real friends, they kept mentally pouncing on one other for stimulation. A battle of wits, of out-thinking on another, of actually being surprised for once. It was tantalizing in the most basic, exciting way but also ultimately unhealthy.

He understood that this back and forth compatibility combined with both of them never actually talking about past demons and their insecurities led to the disaster of their bonding.

Jim winced, still not mentally prepared to think it was entirely awful.

But he also understood that he wouldn’t have truly trusted Spock had they stayed bound.

He would always have wondered if Spock loved Nyota, if he found others more satisfying, if Jim wasn’t enough or just too much.

Jim was a basket case of insecurities still now and probably always would be, but he had been worse.

Much worse and most importantly he wouldn’t have talked about it to Spock. He wouldn’t have talked about Adam or Frank or even his mom.

And Spock would have shut down.

Their parting sucked more than their bonding. Jim would always say that… but he also knew now that Spock would too.

Spock regretted breaking it.

He knew it was a logical choice not out of the fear and shock that had actually done it. But because they hadn’t been ready then.

Neither of them ready to love someone else enough to lay everything, body, mind and soul down for someone else.

They would sacrifice themselves in a heartbeat but talk about their fears?

About Spock being so conflicted throughout his life between Vulcan and Human, his mother and father, his culture and heritages did and regularly do clash and what works once is never consistent leaving Spock always in a lurch.

Spock never would have spoken of it (he hadn’t to Nyota in all the years they knew each other) about his own quest to fit in somewhere (something Jim had only heard recently from Spock confining in him).

But he knows now.

All of Spock’s doubts, of his concerns that he would be eventually less and that in the human fashion Jim would move on, like Nyota now, who had at one time been his world too, that he was too Vulcan for Jim, a man who chose not to laugh, or smile or joke.

Jim had argued that because Spock did laugh (he plans on hearing it one more time before he dies in a much better circumstance) and he does smile and joke and tease and annoy and he even cuddles. He just does it in different ways.

And importantly, he knows that Spock loves him.

Spock wanted him.

Continues to want him, desires not only his body but his mind, his thoughts, opinions, respect, trust.

Spock desired a part of what made Jim, Jim.

And most of all, Spock actually wanted to stay.

All or nothing.

Mated, Married, Bonded.

The entirety of the rest of his life.

And if Vulcan belief systems had a kernel of truth-beyond their mortal lives as well.

 

 

When his First Officer finally showed, hesitant and slightly slumped, looking as if he was blinking off one of Bones’ hypos, he stopped at the door.

Jim turned his head to look at him fully, really taking in the man who saved him so many times, in so many ways. Who challenged him and made him better. Who broke him and even then, made Jim find his footing for the first time in his life.

He was a better person, a more confident, secure person than he had been two years ago.

Spock was more open, more understanding and lenient. He focused more and more on feelings and truly gave time to try and figure out all of Jim’s human (and somewhat alien) thoughts and emotions. And he tried to convey his own in terms Jim could try and understand in return.

Maybe it was the fact that they had almost lost one another, not to death or something they could somehow can wrap their minds around... but to destroying each other…maybe it was Helen and her determination to pry them out of themselves. Or maybe they were so codependent that they had to change to in order to keep one another.

Either way, Jim smiled and lifted his hand.

“Hey, half of my heart and soul,” Jim teased and grinned as Spock’s cheeks tinted green.

“I apologize, I was…compromised…”

Nevertheless, Spock almost sped-walked to him and Jim was still amused when Spock gratefully and slowly interwound their fingers.

“Don’t,” Jim said finally and utterly happy, “Don’t apologize. I’m done with apologies.”

Spock nodded and took a breath before asking, “Are we…I would like to…” Spock’s brows lowered and he began again more determined but still awkward, “I would like to say, one last time, that I am sorry for the turmoil I caused you. I am grateful for you. I am thankful for you. I do not wish to ever be parted from you. I,” Spock took a deep breath, overwhelmed, his eyes deep, worried but hopeful, “I love you.”

Jim could feel it.

He didn’t know if Spock was accidently broadcasting but damn, he could feel it.

Jim’s own eyes watered from the power of the emotion flooding him. There was fear of rejection on Spock’s face, a lesser amount of guilt now only just beginning to fade but lurking-maybe for a long time still. There was doubt still but more than anything, there was love.

Or at least whatever came close to because that feeling, that feeling had no word.

Love was inadequate to this devastating and overwhelming power.

He knew why Spock had been so scared of it.

It was too deep, too powerful to cage or batter down.

Spock’s shields could only hold off so much and this would eclipse even Surak himself. It would bring the very Masters of Gol to their knees.

It brought Spock to his and Jim along side him.

“I love you,” Spock repeated and Jim sniffed, nodding.

“We can’t be friends,” Jim said.

Spock froze.

Completely froze.

“There’s no way we’re going back to being friends. No matter what Helen says or your dad or whoever. No matter what’s fucking healthy or whatever. I can’t and I won’t.”

Now Spock tilted his head, his eyes still a little too wide.

Jim laughed breathless and said, “I love you too, sa-kugalsu. Oh. You have to ask me to bond this time around. I’m expecting the whole shebang too, one knee, a ring. You’re wearing one too, FYI. Definitely a ceremony. When did you say your dad is on Terra?”

Jim shut up when Spock leaned down to kiss him entirely humanly.

 

 

 


	19. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Last chapter.  
> I tried to put it in the chapter so you all don't get confused but I'll add it in here too.  
> This takes place seven years later.  
> One year they spent on Earth before beginning another five year mission.  
> After that five year mission ended they spent another year planet side.  
> Seven years in total.  
> Thank you all for commenting and liking and you have absolutely no idea how much I have loved you guys for supporting this story so very much. It honestly was just amazing. Really truly amazing.  
> Thank you.  
> I hope this does the story justice.

 

 

Jim woke up slowly.

He was warm and relaxed and really did not want to be awake but the sun was shinning in the room and he groaned. Snuggling in deeper to the chest beneath him, he tried blocking it out.

Graceful fingers stroked through his hair and Jim hummed, stretching.

“I would put the window to blackout, except I would need to go to the switch. We did not put in command options in the lighting yet.”

Jim grumbled and said, “I don’t want you to move.”

He felt Spock smile more than saw it, “As you wish, sa-telsu.”

Jim smiled and kissed Spock’s chest, before blinking open his eyes.

Spock looked as happy as he did, hair still mussed and stubble coating his cheeks.

Jim was still trying to get him to grow a beard; Spock compromised and allowed a few days shadow now. He refused to let Jim grow a beard. Jim was half grateful, having figured out his beard came in rather patchy.

“I love this place.” Jim said, now more awake and taking in what will be their new living room.

Boxes were everywhere and nothing was remotely close to be unpacked. But the one floor house had potential.

There were three bedrooms, a chef’s kitchen (oddly enough Spock had been most picky about), their future library/study/laboratory that was high-tech and took up half the side of the house was what made Spock and Jim both finally agree to one property.

As well as a garden in the too large backyard, Spock often spoke about how much he had loved his mother’s one and his eyes had lit up when they had wandered out into the back. It helped that they also lived in the same neighbourhood as Bones and Carol who were a few streets over.

“It will be quite satisfactory once readied.”

Jim nodded and yawned before sitting up, only slightly wincing.

He looked around and asked, “Do you remember where I put the groceries?”

Spock looked amused and said, “I do not believe you put them away. You were distracted. Half of them will now have to be discarded.”

Jim winced but grinned back at him and kissed him, lightly, trying not to get any more excited.

Finally, not tackling each other, they managed to make breakfast without incident.

Breakfast was always fifty-fifty with them and Bones rarely joined anymore. Usually it was only the food that burnt while they were ‘distracted’ but Jim was never really bothered by sex injuries anymore. They were good sex hurts.

They even managed to move some of the furniture, though it would take a few weeks for everything to be sorted. Only one room was finished as of yet.

 

It was midmorning when Spock’s comm went off and Jim tensed.

They had been waiting for Star Fleet to call them for the last couple of weeks now since the Admirals had told them they were needed for a six-month diplomatic mission of updating a treaty Jim had won them.

A year had passed since their second five-year mission ended.

They’d been bonded the first-year teaching at the Academy, the only year they had Terra side (unfortunately for Bones) besides their current one.

It’d hadn’t been official or ceremonial as they had been celebrating their ‘anniversary’ at the time rather vigorously in bed.

Having the only current T'hy'la bond on current record had it pros and cons. They couldn't block each other fully anymore, which left a lot of awkward moments on Jim's part since his human brain tended to drift to one-off thoughts that he couldn't help. On the other hand, neither of them were ever truly alone. The power of their bond was staggering, when it formed, it had done so quickly, easily and without any conscious intent on their part. 

One moment it had had been dancing out of reach but still exciting them with promise and the next-bam-together-sliding into place as if it had always been there. No pain, no confusion just...one. 

The night had been amazing. 

Bones hadn't wanted details. 

As it was, neither could agree on when they were officially a couple.

Was it when they learned they were T’hy’la and acknowledged they needed each other, was it when they were officially bonded? Or when they made love for the first time?

They agreed, back in that first year, to celebrate- of all days-the day they met.

The day that changed the entire galaxy not just them.

Oddly, it had been Spock who chose it, a year after their five year mission ended that first time, at night looking towards where Vulcan would be. And it had been his eyes, not grief stricken or longing for what was but soft and communicating a warm, content love that had made Jim agree. 

Each year, Spock meditated in the morning (an odd sensation that Jim could never sleep through) and they commed Sarek and T’Pau (if not Earthbound where Sarek spent more and more time this past year and visited quite often now) then the evenings were not for looking back but forward. Only to end the night with an act of promise, life and love.

It had in it’s own ways, made the years easier, made that day easier.

Jim was okay, finally, with staying earthbound after having spent this last year getting accustomed to it again.

He felt more at home now than he had ever.

At thirty-seven he knew exactly what home felt like.

And now with a new house, perhaps another couple of years up in space, Bones only a few streets down and coming over every other night for dinners, he finally actually, made himself a home.

A real home.

One no one could take from him and Spock.

Spock caught his attention from where he was hooking up the holoscreen.

Stopping his tapping on the remote, Jim turned, seeing how Spock had straightened.

He tried prodding the bond but Spock kept him at bay. It still frustrated him at times how easily Spock managed to do that, though he didn’t do it often as they had found out it gave them both a headache (something incredibly rare they also found out together), him sidestepping it was why it caught his attention.

“Very well, thank you.” Spock stayed still for a moment, ending the comm and then said, “That was T’Pal. She said that the fertilization was a success and she will be arriving in a week’s time.”

Jim caught his breath and looked wide-eyed at Spock.

They had moved mountains for this and now that it was real, he felt shocked. Almost overwhelmed.

Taking a deep breath, he asked, “And they’re healthy?”

“Everything is well.” Spock’s voice was lowered, it was a sensitive topic for them both.

They had a lot of opposition the past few years.

At first, the Vulcan Council did not want to donate eggs for any hybrid pairing. But Spock used logic against them, saying if he did bond to a Vulcan, a child born of it would be hybrid. There were no telling how much recessive genes would dominate. There simply was no evidence towards or against it. So, it was illogical to think either way.

They seemed to soften a bit, even if it made Terra’s fertility sections anxious when Jim asked that both Spock and him be spliced into one embryo.

While it had happened before in both cultures, it was frowned upon.

The Eugenics war had completely turned their society on it’s head. It was even hard for an infertile women/man and their opposite-sex spouse to try and get a baby-something that was actually extremely easy to do-only most of it was socially unacceptable.

People still did though, he knew of three just in the last five years. It was a headache though with lots and lots and LOTS of read tape.

It was Sarek who voiced heavily for it. Having gone through the process, he had been a huge help to them.

And he argued that putting in Spock’s DNA, combined with Jim’s; needed even more Vulcan contribution (Vulcan eggs precisely) to help with the development and the decline of possible miscarriages.

And more than three years after they started, they now had fertilized eggs of both Spock and Jim…and well…T’Pal but she had already signed over her rights, even though Jim was almost practically forcing her to visit every summer. She wasn’t complaining and seemed fascinated in the differences in which the child could demonstrate. She eyed him a particular puzzle that amused him to no end.

Even her bondmate Senna and their two children were invested in the ‘experiment’.

“Do we know how many chances we have?”

Last time they got this result, eleven were fertilized and they all tore apart before they were implanted. The time before that, seven were fertilized but half had conflicting blood issues and quickly died, the others mutated and were deemed unusable.

Spock hesitated and Jim braced himself.

On average he reminded himself, he could hope for four.

He’d have to comm Winona, he reminded himself.

He and Spock talked extensively on how much contact she would have with their kid. Once Jim had met her for coffee at a Star Base, a purely coincidental day that had been; they had stiffly started talking.

Over the last three years, he also got to meet his two nephews and his niece.

Sam ended up being a great dad.

They’d never be close.

Spock was still Sarek’s mini-me and showed his protectiveness and barely-there-hints of disapproval the few times they all got together that was so very Vulcan always had Jim smiling.

Winona and Sam understood and not once had they overstepped.

For now, they would be a comm family. It would be sometime before they truly got to know each other.

But Jim was hopeful.

Winona was retiring. While she would live in Paris with her husband, he was looking forward to seeing her when she gave lectures at Star Fleet.

But the whole reason he tried, he reached out was for this.

A kid.

A family.

He needed his flesh and blood to see his kid. For Winona to know what her grandchild’s face looked like. For Sam and his little ones to grin widely and tickle little pointed (hopefully) ears.

Spock’s hesitance made his heart hammer and he swallowed.

Surely, at the very least three would survive this time.

“It seems…this time there is only one.”

Jim tried not to show his fear.

One.

A single chance.

They could do it again but the process was long, complicated and every time they donated sperm left him cold and too clinical.

There was the never-ending paper work (worse than any debrief he’d gone through) that even Spock scoffed at. And the man could do paperwork like no one’s business. And each time they had to inform both the Vulcan Council and Terra’s which took weeks of headaches.

If this one failed, it’d be at least another three months and only if it was fertilized.

More and more it was looking like maybe half a year to another full year.

Spock, he thought, took four years of constantly planning to create.

Four years.

Five miscarriages.

Could Jim do that?

Could he do that to T’Pal and her family?

Would she?

While she was curious, she wasn’t as attached and only planned on a shallow meld with what would be, as she called it, her-child-by-birth.

Coming from someone with no family, he didn’t understand it.

But Spock did and knew contributing to the Vulcan population was something that most Vulcans were doing, whether it was theirs or someone else’s.

Jim was too possessive, too scarred to let his genetic code be raised by someone else. Hypocritical maybe, since he probably would have been better off being adopted himself, but perhaps… the most human thing about him.

And if Jim were being truthful, a small part wanted a kid sooner rather than later for Bones and Carol.

Their baby would be due just before spring and if this embryo survived it would be born just as summer would be ending.

And sue him, Jim always pictured his and Bones’ kids growing up together-he wanted his kid to have a makeshift sibling-cousin relationship.

He looked at Spock to see the frown forming on his face.

Spock was worried too.

In the last seven years a lot changed for them.

They bonded, got married (on New Vulcan-much sorrow to Jim's poor sun burn but something Sarek loved), settled into San Francisco as a family, they’d gone on another five-year mission as crazy and hetic and bat-shit insane as the last.

They even got arrested for high treason for a solid six months (a story for another time) and made new friends, new enemies and seen old ones grow and reach for the best of the best.

This year…they finally settled into Terra itself.

Into each other.

A year of just normal, every day lives, groceries, laundry, work-actual, non-life threatening work. 

Not to mention Spock's Pon Farr. The last few months of him being stressed out about it had caused slight friction was, in the end, for naught. Two weeks ago they had come together and thankfully it had been as easy as usual, if rougher and left both of them with a few blackouts.   
The Fever had settled them further though, strengthened the last of their doubts and the only consequence was that their hormones had yet to settle; hence constant need for touch and even more earth shattering sex.  
Not that they were much different than usual.

The last year had been eye-opening to them both.

Jim was less restless, though he wouldn’t mind a few more years on his ship.

A baby would be a good reason to keep his teaching job, as well as all his new experiments.

The Admiralty would be pretty damned upset though, he got into ten times more trouble here then ever up on his ship.

It made living on Earth all the tempting.

He loved being the jackass to them and scaring all the little greenies he saw at the campus. He still couldn’t believe he had been one once upon a time. So damned young and clueless.

Spock supported Jim in everything healthy and kept him from getting fired a time or two.

They were happy.

Really happy.

They had made a home together. Kept in touch with friends and let others go.

Sulu and Chekov bounded in whenever they were in town-Sulu had just gotten a Captain position and the fucker poached Checkov from him as his First.

Jim had cried traitor and favoritism at their last barbeque and then got everyone drunk.

Scotty kept regular updates working on the Enterprise and no doubt wanted to be back up there. He was more married to the ship than Jim.

Nyota commed a few weeks ago. She got a position on Della Four, a fantastic, high-score kind of career boost for a communications officer. She was kicking ass and doing good. She was engaged and Spock wished her well in a way that told Jim he missed their closeness and knew it would never be the same.

Neither seemed upset for long though and both couples planned on meeting up before the wedding when Nyota was Terra-side. 

Jim took a deep breath and looked around their messy home.

The holopics were the only things that were properly in place around the house.

Bones and him at the academy, the Bridge crew, Pike and him.

Nyota and Spock in one.

Him and Spock, multiple him and Spock-the wedding, the proper bonding, random pictures at coffee shops, early morning selfies, vacations.

Amanda and Spock when he was a boy.

Amanda and Sarek.

Sam and Winona and the kids.

Helen, her husband Greg, Spock, and Jim out on the town last Saint Patrick’s Day.

Jim and Sarek and Spock-with Jim grinning way too brightly for either Vulcan, a picture taken just a month ago when they gave their last samples to the fertility clinic.

This was their home.

One in which he wanted to raise their kid.

The house that had a great backyard, a view out into the big, blue ocean, the nursey in silvers and blacks and gold and blues.

Spock had handmade a mobile with little spaceship figurines, the same little Enterprise that Jim had stolen from that long-ago bar with that one conversation with that one man who changed his life forever.

This was that one little being who would be theirs.

A kid who was a little Spock, a little him and a whole too much for either of them.

“We can do it.” Jim said, with certainty.

Spock looked back at him and his lips twitched catching the tone of his bondmate.

“We’ve achieved impossible things time and time again. Seven years since our first five-year mission and everyone is still shaking their heads at us and all our discoveries. We’ve made history together and I know we’ll keep making it, until our kid does something insane and eclipses us both when we’re old and grey.”

Spock smiled now fully and chuckled a bit. An action he only did with Jim.

Privately.

Jim loved it.

“You are certain.”

Jim nodded and replied, “We’ve got one chance. We’ve done more with less.”

It was true.

In all their disasters, they had less hope than Spock could calculate.

This was a full, solid one chance of hope.

Their own relationship had been based on determination, need and a giant leap of faith.

They had made it.

Their kid would too.

Spock nodded and reached over to interwind their fingers. “If you say so, ashayam.”

Jim grinned and leaned in to kiss his other half.

“I do,” he said against Spock’s mouth before descending again.

Spock pulled back to say, “We need to finish unpacking.”

Jim kept kissing Spock and only pulled back to take off his shirt and say, “It’s been waiting a week, it could wait a little longer. Besides, we need to take advantage of being together while we still can. Babies require a lot of special attention. No more living room sex, Spock. No more shower sex. The kitchen is going to be completely off limits. At least, not until we get Bones to babysit.”

Spock just sighed before, as always, giving in and together, rolling onto the floor, laughing before kissing him senseless.

The feeling of Spock’s skin under his hands always, without fail, excited him.

It always astonished him how the bond flared whenever they were in the same room, it completely eclipsed that feeling the moment they touched. It was why, now that they were bonded, whenever they worked together-Jim actually didn’t touch him (or tried not to).

It was distracting and tended to end up in way too much PDA even for him.

Which was fun to do to Spock in rec rooms but embarrassing when both of them were running for the door.

Jim kissed, licked, bit and sucked on every inch of Spock’s tingly skin.

Felt those kisses in turn, felt Spock’s walls come down and then they were truly one being.

This...this was the feeling in which made them.

Nothing could come close to what being one soul did to a person. Because you weren’t you, Jim wasn’t Spock when that Vulcan turned them over and kissed him senseless.

He was a they, he was we.

He was sucking his tongue and then he was biting in response.

His hands were hot and cool, his body withering, pinned to the floor and then he was on top, dominating, driven, hotter than anything he could imagine.

When Spock finally entered him, both of them gasped.

There was no space between them, no separation of mind, sensation, _feeling_.

Spock’s hands on his thigh were his own, it was Spock who rolled them over, Spock who straddled Jim.

They threw back their head and groaned together.

They pounded faster, harder, each movement, every movement rising them higher and higher until the whole galaxy disappeared, until it was them and nothing else.

Until they were utterly whole. 

 

It was a long while later when Spock asked, “If we have a girl…Is Helen expecting to have the child bare her name in some fashion?”

Jim’s head snapped up and gaped at Spock.

“Uh…Amanda Sophia Helen Kirk…” Jim tried out frighteningly.

“Amanda Sophia Helen Kirk S’chn T’gai,” Spock corrected already wrinkling his nose in distaste.

Yeah, a really human name if the baby came out Vulcan looking.

They were currently going back and forth between Amanda's name being the first name or middle. 

Sarek was fine with either, though he did suggest a nickname being other than Mandy.

Ami?

Andy?

Which didn't help in the long run with Spock and Jim and epic debates. 

They'd both make better decisions if some people just told them what to do. Sometimes.

Jim was blaming Star Fleet on that one. 

“Let’s just hope it’s a boy,” Jim said thinking lightly.

Spock nodded, pulling him close and started the softest, alien purr that Jim wasn’t ever **(NEVER )** allowed to mention aloud about.

Jim grinned giddily, Spock knew he absolutely loved the purr.

“Indeed, Sarek Christopher is a much more appropriate Vulcan name.” Spock replied rather smugly as Jim wrapped his body closer to Spock, enjoying the warmth of the sun on him, the gentle glide of Spock’s fingers stroking his skin and the bond pulsing brightly and warmly throughout his body.

They’d fight over baby names later.

God only knew how many more suggestions they’d get in the coming months.

Chekov would comm them next week about it, little did they know.

And Bones would step in saying the godfather had certain privileges over names.

But by this time next year, they’d be dads.

With a house that would be finally put together and a nursey across their own room that would have a precious, wanted and loved soul squirming and cooing under all the bonds that would send joy and safety and _love_ for every moment of their life.

For the first time in his life, he wanted to speed time forward, rush to the end and squeeze all of his happiness out of him, so that he wasn’t constantly overwhelmed with it.

He kissed Spock’s too-addictive lips and knew with every human instinct in him, they were just beginning.

 

“Oh, fucking dammit! Why do you two have to have sex everywhere! You knew we were coming over this afternoon!”

Jim burst out laughing as Spock hurriedly covered them and glared at the interruption. 

 

Yeah, Jim was ready for it all. 

 

 


End file.
